2019年10月28日星期一

自我爱护(转载)


2019年10月21日星期一

生日的时候读一篇好文

Open Communication

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Communication with your dog isn’t as simple as you talking and hoping your dog listens.
Communication where you connect with your dog and your dog connects with you, and there is an understanding where you are working together, is what I refer to as open communication. Sometimes it is words, but most of the time it is about the handlers intentions, energy, attitude, and body language.
It is a bit like Goldilocks and the Three Bears really. You are trying to find that sweet-spot that is just right where communication is open and flowing freely.
TOO HARD – If you are verbally or physically applying a lot of negative pressure, or anything that causes fear, pain, or discomfort, there is no open communication. It will be a battle mentally, socially, or physically, and there might be some engagement, but it won’t be willing, and your dog will shut down.
TOO MUCH – If you are giving all the time, verbally, emotionally, socially, or physically, and a bit of a fixer of everything, well this is too much unwarranted attention and there will be no open communication. Some people call this human behavior cheer-leading, others call it helicopter parenting, and still others call it cloying. Whichever word suites, just know, it is a behavior that means too much unwarranted attention and nothing good or productive will happen because you aren’t listening, you are fixing.
KIND AND PURPOSEFUL – When you are kind in thought, tone, and body language, and you have purpose with whatever it is you are doing with your dog, all good things can happen, this is open communication where you allow your dog to come into your space, emotionally or physically, and equally engage with you. Your intention counts when you step out and want to engage.
TIPS – Finding this sweet-spot takes time and practice, you have to practice. It is a meeting of two species, trying to figure it out, and if you want to train minimally or to the highest level, practice, just practice.
If you had a bad day or are feeling off, do something for yourself before you step out and train, a hot bath, a cold shower, a drink, some tea, whatever, but get into a healthier and kinder place before you engage.
Know what you want to do in your training session more or less. This doesn’t has to be set in stone, but if you step out and are floundering about, there will be no open communication. So set your purpose before you engage.
Be kind, accept that you will make mistakes and so will your dog, but being wrong is part of learning, let this be okay.
Practice having your thoughts match your body language and matching your tone, honestly and for real. This is not easy if you are not use to doing this, and most people aren’t. We are a species that knows how to lie, and we are good at it. So part of  is truly being kind in mind, body, and spirit. Practice.
Often times we overlook the human end of the leash, but we need as much work as the animals we are living and working with.
I can tell you this plays out with my dogs, goats, ducks, and especially quail, and for sure my human children.
Nancy

2019年10月20日星期日

一个周末一口气看的电视剧们

连续好几个星期一直在看书,因为有Due day在等着,所以只能抓紧时间看。结束了好几本书的马拉松。也攒了一些想看的电视剧。

周五晚上开始先看“Why women Kill”。听这个名字,在纽约看到巨大的广告牌,也听了4集podcast,当然那个和电视剧完全不一样,podcast讲的都是发生的真实的故事。感觉更加冷血一点。而电视剧拍摄得好看很多了,尤其是最后一集,大结局的时候,三个女生都穿着红色的衣服,代表着杀戮。其实也只有第一个和第三个女生在进行杀戮,第一个是维护正义的,第三个是阴险暗算的。

第一集:When the Doorman Is Your Main Man 暖心的门卫。无法想象在现在的生活中还有这样的默默关心你的人。

第二集:When Cupid is a Prying Journalist 错过的爱,untested and unlived love
这一集是我最喜欢的,尤其是他们重逢的时候,说清楚了十多年前没有见面的原因,虽然让人感到遗憾,但是还是给自己的疑惑加上了一个句号。

第三集:Take Me as I am, Whoever I Am 双重人格的内心独白。向她伸出双手的朋友不易。

第四集:Rally to Keep the Game Alive 一对中年夫妻如何调整自己的生活。这集的现象其实非常普遍,但是并没有说清楚到底什么是他们之间的common ground。所以有点欠缺。

第五集:At the Hospital, an Interlude of Clarity 两个人是第二次约会,但是由于意外,在医院里呆了一个晚上,不是关于性,而是关于陪伴。这一集我也非常喜欢,非常喜欢那个女孩,她是Kind的,不仅仅只是nice.

第六集:So He Looked Like Dad. It Was Just Dinner, Right? 一个寻找父亲的年轻女子终于长大了
个人在第一季中最不喜欢这一集。有一点太过牵强。

第七集:Hers Was A World of One 一堆同性恋者收养一个无家可归的女孩肚子里的孩子的故事。不管怎么样,还是很为这一对同性恋愿意抚养一个孩子而感到骄傲。他们是幸运的,孩子也是幸运的。

第八集:The Race Grows Sweeter Near its Final Lap 老人之间的爱。Young love, even for old people, can be bountiful. 怎么能在余生还能找到这样的爱情?最终把所有的故事都连了起来,给大家都有了一个能解释清的归宿。

We are the lost and found.在纽约,真的是怎样的爱都可以看到,甚至体会到。

2019年10月15日星期二

The Open Ears Projects List


  1. Adagio of spartacus and phrygia - on Resetting
  2. Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyires" - On Conquering Fear
  3. Schubert's "Ave Maria"
  4. Francisco Tarrega's Lagrima
  5. Florence PRice's Juba Dance - get through a life-changing moment
  6. J.S. Bach's Concerto for Two Violins - teenage longing and the loss of a beloved friend
  7. Franz Schuberts Piano Trio No. 1 - on Vulnerability
  8. Chopin's Nocturne No. 21 in C Minor - on Catharsis
  9. Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring - on Challenging Expectations (Jon Batiste)
  10. Mozart's First Piano Sonata - on Happiness (Comedienne Rachel Strauss-Muniz)
  11. Carl Orff's Gassenhauer - on American Beauty (Director Sam Mendes)
  12. Nicholas Britell's "Little's Theme" - on Finding Your Truth (Lee Hill)
  13. Beethoven's Violin Concerto - on Empathy (Violinist Nicola Benedetti)
  14. Frederic Chopin's Berceuse - on A Quiet Kind of Miracle (Writer Robert Macfalane)
  15. Steve Reich's Music for 18 Musicians - on How We Listen (arm reservist Joe Young)
  16. Henry Purcell's "Dido's Lamet" - on Forgiveness (Mezzo-soprano J'Nai Bridges)
  17. Claude Debussy's Clair de Lune - on Elevation (Comedian and actor Eddie Izzard)
  18. Mozart's piano concerto - on Nourishing the Soul (Eva Chen)
  19. Beethoven's String Quarter No. 16 - on Time and Consciousness (Jazz Trumpeter Wynton Marsalis)
  20. Adagio from Bach's Violin Sonata No. 1 - on Resolution (WQXR's Jacqui Cheng)
  21. Toccata and Fugue in D Minor by J.S. Bach - on Perspective (Architect Daniel Libeskind)
  22. Satie's Gymnopedie No. 1 - on Just Letting Go (WNYC host Alison Stewart)
  23. Edvard Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King - on Imagination (New York City art teacher Justin Jackson)
  24. Beethoven piano bagatelle and the poetry of Langston Huges - on Overcoming Adversity (WQXR host Terrance McKnight)
  25. Arvo Part's Spiegel in Spiegel - on What Changed my Life (TV producer Megan Reid)
  26. Prokofiev's Second Violin Concerto - on A Journey (Choreographer Christopher Wheeldon)
  27. the music of Frederic Chopin, the Etude Opus 10, No.1. - on History (Actor Jesse Eisenberg)
  28. Bach's Chaconne for Violin - on Patience (Rapper Dessa)
  29. Maurice Ravel's Pavane pour une infante defunte - on Imperfection (Krystal Hawes)
  30. Faure's Requiem - On peace (Esther Perel)

I don’t train husbands …(Posted by Nancy Tanner)


For nearly two decades now, not a week goes by where I am asked to help with a husbands behavior. And my answer has always been, I don’t train husbands. For a good reason, but I’ll get to that in a minute!

My training business is surprisingly more men then women. I never really took note of that until Tawzer Dog came to film some of my workshops and commented on how many men attended my events. You see in the dog educational world, especially when you get into reward based training, it is usually the opposite, in fact totally lopsided with more women then men.
When I have men sign up for class, it is always because it is their dog. The man chose the breed, for a specific reason, and wants the dog trained the way he wants it trained. Whether he is single, in a relationship, or married, I have never ever heard one of my male clients say, could you talk with my girlfriend/wife/partner to see if she will stop xyz with my dog? Ever, never, zilch … doesn’t happen.
When I have women sign up for class, it is 50/50. This means that 50% of the time the woman wanted the dog, chose the breed, knows what she wants to do with her dog, and how she wants to train her dog. The other 50% tends to be a bit of a crap shoot.
Whether the husband chose the dog and found out he really didn’t have the time, or he tends to interact permissively with the dog causing behavioral problems, or he is just super busy, now the woman is saddled with a dog she didn’t really want, and herein lies the real problem. Some women never intended on having a dog to begin with and now they are the only one who is willing to step up and do the right thing.
Stepping up is management, nourishing, nurturing, exercise, social activities, and education, as in training. This is a lot to take on especially if you weren’t prepared for this to be your role. But when stepping up in a household is met with little to no compliance, cooperation, or understanding, well, these are the stories I hear, daily, weekly, and now for two decades.
So, back to why I don’t train husbands. Bottom line, puppies are way easier, but the real reason is, I don’t want to do human relationship work, that isn’t my specialty. My specialty is working with the human/animal bond.
But, but, but, within human relationships there sometimes is an animal involved that isn’t doing well because of the aforementioned problems of no compliance, cooperation, and understanding in the household.
When the woman of the household shows up to my class, exasperated, truly trying to smooth things out with their dog, trying to do the right thing, but feeling sabotaged by the very person she chose to spend her life with, well this is something I can help with, but I am very clear that I don’t train husbands!
FIRST it is a paradigm shift, the woman of the household must commit to being the real and proper owner of the dog, emotionally and physically, for everything. Entering an agreement to care for another tends to be fairly binding. No wavering, no wishy-washy bullshit, this is now MY DOG! 
For example, 100% of all of the dogs in our home are mine, same goes for the ducks, quail, and goats. I take that responsibility, and if I need help I ask, but their care and well-being lay in my hands, and of course heart.
SECOND it is a letting go of what doesn’t work, and what isn’t productive. This is usually letting go of blame, hard feelings, and feeling like a victim. The woman of the household is entering into an agreement that will be filled with love with another living being, no baggage necessary.
THIRD, and this is super important, just create one rule for the household in regards to the dog. While there are really about 359 rules you need in order to be a super successful household, start with just one, this helps with compliance.
For example, in my busy household safety is super important to me, so my one rule that I started with all these years ago was SHUT THE FUCKING GATES. After all a rule is a rule, it isn’t a kind-of, sort-of, maybe thing. A rule by definition is something that you are allowed to do or not allowed to do. I have found that a rule should be simple, direct, and leave no room for misinterpretation.
FOURTH, once the household starts to smooth out and there is a rhythm of sorts, which can take months or years, and let that be okay by the way, and there is cooperation with the one rule, then and only then can some of the nurturing chores be delegated. Whether it is cleaning up the yard, or cleaning up the house, that is for the dogs owner to decide.
For example, in my busy household I take care of all of my dogs training, their food, health, care, socializing, and exercise. My husband takes care of cleaning up the yards, preparing our dogs dinner with the food I purchased, and taking them out for their evening exercise before they go to bed.
If he is gone for work or not well, and the same goes for me, we fill in for each other. Did this happen over night? No, it did not. We have been at this for twenty-five years, but after twenty-five years, if I am the one who will be gone, he always says, we will be fine, I will take good care of the dogs, and I will remember to SHUT THE FUCKING GATES. 
Remember the one rule, it sticks I promise you!
Will everything turn out perfect? I doubt it, husbands are hard to train. But I can tell you it will be better, it will for sure be better, but you have to own it, the relationship with your dog.
xoxo – Nancy

2019年10月7日星期一

和聪的吵架

开学一个月,已经大吵了两次架。
第一次是因为她的数学又考了不及格。连续两个不及格。第一个是因为她不动脑子,非要去参加Duke大学的info session。错过了测验,老师给了一份不同的卷子,比原来的要难。她就觉得不公平了。其实老师在一开学的时候就已经说明了这个情况。她应该自己承担责任。第二次测验,前一天还带她去上数学课,结果考了个不及格,后来分数修改到70多,不知道是不是curve了。周三回家,我先让她吃水果,后来没有忍住,问她到底是怎么回事,她就说,没有怎么回事,让我不要提醒她了。我对她的态度非常反感,就话赶话地吵了起来。但是没有动手。时候,她还写了一封又臭又长的电子邮件给我,为她自己的行为找到了无数的理由,并且指责我说是伪君子,看不起她。

周四让Rachel的爸爸送她们上学,接她们回来。周四下班,我没有回家。回家后,比尔正在炒饭,我也没有做饭。

周五,我问她,究竟要不要去哥伦比亚大学,我需要知道我周一需不需要请假。她一直拖到很晚才回短信,说还是想去的。并且提议说,是不是应该谈一下。我没有心情谈。晚饭说话也是很少。但是我还是开车送她去了生物课。

周末也是照常。

每次吵架,我感觉被她利用的感觉就很强烈。

这周四她要去看Hamilton, 于是就一直跟哈巴狗一样。在登记参加短篇小说比赛的时候,她稍有不满,还是忍住了。在登记参加短篇小说比赛的时候,她稍有不满,还是忍住了。

周四晚上什么时候回来的,我不想知道了,先睡觉了。后来发现她还是坐的火车去的。应该是她的事情,我应该放手了。

周五早晨态度已经开始变化。

下午放学回来,着急吃过饭去AP Biology课。结束后,接上她在回家路上提到回家把AP考试的钱交了。我不知道究竟应该怎么注册,就问了她,结果她就很不耐烦,以至于到最后态度极其恶劣,我没有忍住,推了她一下,结果被她重击。而且还好几次。她不停地用她很冷漠的逻辑思维来进行理论。我听着心里发凉,不知道这个站在我面前的年轻女子究竟是谁?我不知道什么时候养了这样一个魔鬼。又想起妈妈在上海时候说的话,“你哭的日子在后面”。如果说她一开始要打我是为了反抗,那么后面狠狠地掐我的脸真是不可原谅了。力量之大,行为之冲动。她说,我从来不聆听。

比尔可能是又点幸灾乐祸吧,说,这又有什么呢?这不是第一发生了,不应该在惊讶了,要学会接受。不要有是非判断。

是时候我往后退步了。

张春:从接待的500名女性,看中国女性最隐秘的痛

 2023/7/22 11:22:24  张春去年开了自己的播客电台,每期都会邀请来5-8位的女性聊天,主题往往是生活中的小事。 比如讨论相亲,有女孩说,自己有一个相亲对象,双方家长已经在四五个月内互相约见了多次,但是那个男孩始终没有出现过。这桩相亲自然是进行不下去了,她却还...