2/9早晨,我起床带Rixi出门扔了几下球后回家,吃了早饭。(晚上炖了一锅木瓜木耳红枣汤,前一晚上用高压锅的慢烧锅的功能炖了5个小时)吃早饭之前,我看到她站在体重计上。做了鸡蛋饼,里面给他们包了肉。热了几片年糕。她一口也没有吃。但是揪了几口面包抹三文鱼的油。
后来我就去印度商店买菜去了,主要就是想去看看,然后了解一下那家超市的行情。
哈哈,光是辣椒就是满满一排啊。印度工作人员正在整理蔬菜,水果。我惊喜地发现,这家超市跟中国的超市很接近,因为都是按照分量来计算的,而非按照个数来计算的。
正“视察”着呢,接到了她的短信:“我有消息”,听上去就跟她需要跟我打暗号一样。我就接着问,“什么消息?”等了一会,她才回信回来。
我看到了,先是楞了一下,然后反应过来,她是来了例假。
好像盼望了很久,这一天终于来了,我的感觉是想哭。喜极而泣的那种。我给她回信,告诉她我很高兴,并且应该庆祝。她回过来的表情有点lost的样子。
回到家,我拥抱她,问她,上午站在体重计上,数字有多少?她说有120多,没有看仔细。然后自己说,无所谓了。
就是,无所谓了。接下来就是纠正她的行为了。
2019年2月9日星期六
2019年1月21日星期一
马丁路德金的长周末
周六
不得不在8点吧她叫起来,因为9点要在Market Fair上数学课。早饭,我给比尔做了一个flaxseed的pancake,他并不领情,反而她倒是强过去吃了几口。给她做的中国的鸡蛋饼,喝的红薯稀饭,皮蛋。
吃过早饭,我们出发。一路交通很通畅。我让她在车上继续睡一会。我还是继续听我的Indianapolis的故事,纪实文学写道这个份上,我已经是崇拜得五体投地了。
她上课,我继续看我的免疫学。没有看完,因为还要做笔记。我们出门的时候,想起来,上次买Lego的时候,有一个买一送一的cookie的coupon,上次得到的时候,她根本不愿意的,而如今,这个话题可以提,并且说是可以使用的。多么巨大的进步。
回去的路上,到Sigma停顿了一下,看到她的同学也在那里。这个辅导机构几乎就是她高中的衍生学校。老师听上去很有章法,所以,我们基本上决定就是跟着他们了。周日不能去参加他们的课,因为她还有音乐会要参加。
回家,我就在厨房里忙活。准备午饭,给鲈鱼上料,做了麻婆豆腐,她在餐桌出准备她的project,摊得一天世界,所以吃饭就被赶到我的写字桌上了。他在中午的时候去买东西,我们等不及他,就自己先吃了。
吃过饭,我们带狗狗走了一圈。
下午她就继续做她的project,我是希望她一口气做完得了。结果她又霸占了我的写字桌。
我下午准备包饺子,准备周一吃的羊腿肉。她下午5点的样子,完成了她的project,在给她爸爸讲解。然后就让她爸爸送她去Nina家过生日了。十六岁的生日,还是蛮隆重的。请了一群小朋友,十五个的样子。她告诉我说,她吃了三片pizza,还有一些其他的party food。因为想着她周四的好几门考试,在8点多的时候问她什么时候可以回来,她说,能不能8:30,因为还没有吃蛋糕。
结果到了8:40还是没有动静。我还是坚持要她回来,不想她太晚睡觉,哪怕休息也是好的。她说了fine。回来的时候带着一块蛋糕。后来到她的桌子处站着的时候,说自己在struggle,脑子里在不停地计算数字。我让她想点别的。她说她在努力,还在为她的project添砖加瓦的。
周日
一早起来,虽然她前一晚上也是很晚睡觉的,但是她说她需要上厕所。结果一天上了4次厕所。后来在地下室找到她正在锻炼。
早饭我给她做的pancake。她一看,第一反应还是,这么多,不会是我一个人吃吧。我说,我跟你一起吃。还有比尔的煎饺子。一开始,让我喂她一个,后来就看到她就上手了。想到前两个星期,煎的饺子,她是根本都不碰的。
预报下雪,结果下了一晚上的雨,到了白天还在下。我只能继续在厨房里忙活。拨虾,去黑线,把香菇浸泡起来,再打开一包肉馅,准备多做点烧卖冻上。
准备午饭之前,我带Rixi出门,天放晴了,但是风很大。


回家急急忙忙地炒了两份饭。一份给她,有虾,一份给比尔。我自己呢,就准备去试一下有coupon的那家pizza店。
一路开过去还比较顺利,狂风大做,稍微走了一点弯路,也算是准时到了。我去pizza店正是午饭时间,居然一个人都没有,我选了make your own pizza,十寸的十块钱,减去一半的价格。颜色看着真是棒。没有想到桔子也是一种选择,一下子让匹萨看上去亮色不少。
我拿着pizza回到车上,一口气吃了三块,因为出了阳光,就在车里把那本免疫学的书看完了。很多细节我都非常喜欢,可惜怎么也记不完整的。
决定在坐上两小时之前稍微活动一下。风大,但是气温还没有下降到零度以下。刚走了没有几步,她就说她没有带调羹。我让她先吃点心,然后帮她去饭店拿一个吧。于是很辛苦地往回走,走到书店里的咖啡部,那了勺子和叉子,领着包就走去剧场了。这么大的风,我也不想来回再走了。找到她,给了勺子,我就去剧场等着了。
节目还是非常棒。David Kim的小提琴就跟有魔力一样。太优美了。
不让拍照,但是在最后她们起立谢幕的时候,我偷偷地拍了一张。
这次她的seat audition没有拿到很好的座次,所以对这次音乐会不太上心。都提出不去YOCJ了。我同她说, 不能因为你做的不好,就退却。
回家的路上路过Hopewell Market,就进去看看,买了草莓,蓝莓,黑莓,西瓜和酸奶。她想买non-fat的酸奶,被我制止了。
路过farmer's market,本想给她买一杯juice的,没有找到菜单,就问服务人员,结果被告知5点juice bar就关门了。我问她,想买甜点吗?她看了看,说,it's okay。我知道勉强不得,我等时候的到来。
然后我们有去巧克力那里看看。她看上了两种黑巧克力,问我买哪种,我说喜欢就都买。我们同时看上了一种rice cracker和sunflower seeds bite。不限制,喜欢的就买。我还买了一只整鸡,准备给她熬鸡汤喝。
不烧晚饭了,她在AJA点了菜,要了一个signature roll,一份bento box,两个开胃小菜,一份鸭卷和一个春卷。结果鸭卷几乎都是我吃的。她能吃signature roll就好。
到家后,得知他并没有带狗狗出门,叫他吃饭,还死样怪气的。我高声地说了几句,但是不想烦恼自己,就带狗狗出门去上了厕所。给聪热了鸡汤,也省得我再做Miso汤了。
结果晚饭的气氛被扭转过来了。吃瓜子,喝汽水,拖拖拉拉拉到8点多才各自散去。我上楼刷牙的时候,开始焦虑,想着她一点功课都还没有复习。我问比尔,自己是不是有点贪心不足,身体不好的时候,告诉自己只要她身体好就行,而身体稍微有了好转,就要求她学习也要上去。他到是不以为然,就觉得身心都还是要处于放松状态比较好。
周一
也是比我早起,同样也是因为要上厕所。唉,真希望她能多睡一会。
酒酿圆子水铺蛋,好久没有吃了,问她还想吃pancake吗,回答得很勉强,问她要不要crepe,她说不要。我还在找贴在冰箱上的crepe的配方呢,没有找到。结果还是做了中国的鸡蛋饼。放了蓖麻子粉。不过,她说了,你们吃啥,我就吃啥。一听我们是吃印度饼,还是有点面露难色。
我还是在厨房里忙活。反正逃脱不了这个命运,又因为跟比尔退东西的问题发生了争执。他还特地跑下楼来,对我说,“只要我还挣钱,我就想买什么就买什么。”我觉得他简直就是不可理喻。但是实在是不想让自己情绪不好,也不想让吵架影响聪。于是,我就带狗狗出门。风很大,我把自己包裹得像西伯利亚的人一样。一开始羽绒服上的帽子总是被风吹掉。后来把围巾包在帽子上,总算是不掉了。收到她的短信,告诉我她喝了牛奶,吃了cookie。我提到学校那天拿的cookie,她说,不想要了,没有我做的好吃。我说,可以的,没问题。在这么大的风和这么低的气温里打字,真够呛。
回到家,正在烤的羊肉可真是香。炒了青菜,冬瓜虾丸子汤。吃之前,她还挺高兴地给烤羊腿拍了一张照片。结果到了后来,就是把菜全部吃了,碗的那一点饭,开始拨弄来拨弄去。我不作声,问她,还要不要洋葱,还要不要冬瓜,她都摇头。我嗑了一会瓜子,还是把汤里的冬瓜帮她打了上来,没有菜,怎么就饭吃呢?她后来又扯了一点羊腿肉,终于把饭顺利地吃下去了。
吃过饭,他洗碗,我做烧卖,她问我,能不能帮忙。我说,可以啊。我放在皮里,你包起来。上锅开始蒸了以后,我带狗狗出门扔球。她玩得高兴,可是又把自己的爪子后面的厚厚的肉给弄破了。这次是两个前爪,看着可真是让我心疼。立刻关到笼子了,等到血凝结住了,才放出来的。
装盘的时候,我尝了半个就把半个给她。她欣然地吃掉了,后来我在拨石榴的时候,她又拿了一个吃,一点没有带犹豫。
下午她在准备周三的Presentation,跑到自己的房间。然后又下楼。估计是很累脑子,她让我拍一张她快要发疯的样子:
晚上吃的鸡汤面,没有周五的时候那么顺利,把菜和鸡都吃掉了,剩下一大堆面,面露难色。几乎分了一半给我们。不知道又是怎么了,知道这条康复的道路不是直线,但是我可真是希望这星星之火,是可以燎原的。就是为了这些moments,我就继续下去。
不得不在8点吧她叫起来,因为9点要在Market Fair上数学课。早饭,我给比尔做了一个flaxseed的pancake,他并不领情,反而她倒是强过去吃了几口。给她做的中国的鸡蛋饼,喝的红薯稀饭,皮蛋。
吃过早饭,我们出发。一路交通很通畅。我让她在车上继续睡一会。我还是继续听我的Indianapolis的故事,纪实文学写道这个份上,我已经是崇拜得五体投地了。
她上课,我继续看我的免疫学。没有看完,因为还要做笔记。我们出门的时候,想起来,上次买Lego的时候,有一个买一送一的cookie的coupon,上次得到的时候,她根本不愿意的,而如今,这个话题可以提,并且说是可以使用的。多么巨大的进步。
回去的路上,到Sigma停顿了一下,看到她的同学也在那里。这个辅导机构几乎就是她高中的衍生学校。老师听上去很有章法,所以,我们基本上决定就是跟着他们了。周日不能去参加他们的课,因为她还有音乐会要参加。
吃过饭,我们带狗狗走了一圈。
下午她就继续做她的project,我是希望她一口气做完得了。结果她又霸占了我的写字桌。
我下午准备包饺子,准备周一吃的羊腿肉。她下午5点的样子,完成了她的project,在给她爸爸讲解。然后就让她爸爸送她去Nina家过生日了。十六岁的生日,还是蛮隆重的。请了一群小朋友,十五个的样子。她告诉我说,她吃了三片pizza,还有一些其他的party food。因为想着她周四的好几门考试,在8点多的时候问她什么时候可以回来,她说,能不能8:30,因为还没有吃蛋糕。
结果到了8:40还是没有动静。我还是坚持要她回来,不想她太晚睡觉,哪怕休息也是好的。她说了fine。回来的时候带着一块蛋糕。后来到她的桌子处站着的时候,说自己在struggle,脑子里在不停地计算数字。我让她想点别的。她说她在努力,还在为她的project添砖加瓦的。
周日
一早起来,虽然她前一晚上也是很晚睡觉的,但是她说她需要上厕所。结果一天上了4次厕所。后来在地下室找到她正在锻炼。
早饭我给她做的pancake。她一看,第一反应还是,这么多,不会是我一个人吃吧。我说,我跟你一起吃。还有比尔的煎饺子。一开始,让我喂她一个,后来就看到她就上手了。想到前两个星期,煎的饺子,她是根本都不碰的。
预报下雪,结果下了一晚上的雨,到了白天还在下。我只能继续在厨房里忙活。拨虾,去黑线,把香菇浸泡起来,再打开一包肉馅,准备多做点烧卖冻上。
准备午饭之前,我带Rixi出门,天放晴了,但是风很大。
回家急急忙忙地炒了两份饭。一份给她,有虾,一份给比尔。我自己呢,就准备去试一下有coupon的那家pizza店。
一路开过去还比较顺利,狂风大做,稍微走了一点弯路,也算是准时到了。我去pizza店正是午饭时间,居然一个人都没有,我选了make your own pizza,十寸的十块钱,减去一半的价格。颜色看着真是棒。没有想到桔子也是一种选择,一下子让匹萨看上去亮色不少。
我拿着pizza回到车上,一口气吃了三块,因为出了阳光,就在车里把那本免疫学的书看完了。很多细节我都非常喜欢,可惜怎么也记不完整的。
节目还是非常棒。David Kim的小提琴就跟有魔力一样。太优美了。
不让拍照,但是在最后她们起立谢幕的时候,我偷偷地拍了一张。
这次她的seat audition没有拿到很好的座次,所以对这次音乐会不太上心。都提出不去YOCJ了。我同她说, 不能因为你做的不好,就退却。
回家的路上路过Hopewell Market,就进去看看,买了草莓,蓝莓,黑莓,西瓜和酸奶。她想买non-fat的酸奶,被我制止了。
路过farmer's market,本想给她买一杯juice的,没有找到菜单,就问服务人员,结果被告知5点juice bar就关门了。我问她,想买甜点吗?她看了看,说,it's okay。我知道勉强不得,我等时候的到来。
然后我们有去巧克力那里看看。她看上了两种黑巧克力,问我买哪种,我说喜欢就都买。我们同时看上了一种rice cracker和sunflower seeds bite。不限制,喜欢的就买。我还买了一只整鸡,准备给她熬鸡汤喝。
不烧晚饭了,她在AJA点了菜,要了一个signature roll,一份bento box,两个开胃小菜,一份鸭卷和一个春卷。结果鸭卷几乎都是我吃的。她能吃signature roll就好。
到家后,得知他并没有带狗狗出门,叫他吃饭,还死样怪气的。我高声地说了几句,但是不想烦恼自己,就带狗狗出门去上了厕所。给聪热了鸡汤,也省得我再做Miso汤了。
结果晚饭的气氛被扭转过来了。吃瓜子,喝汽水,拖拖拉拉拉到8点多才各自散去。我上楼刷牙的时候,开始焦虑,想着她一点功课都还没有复习。我问比尔,自己是不是有点贪心不足,身体不好的时候,告诉自己只要她身体好就行,而身体稍微有了好转,就要求她学习也要上去。他到是不以为然,就觉得身心都还是要处于放松状态比较好。
周一
也是比我早起,同样也是因为要上厕所。唉,真希望她能多睡一会。
酒酿圆子水铺蛋,好久没有吃了,问她还想吃pancake吗,回答得很勉强,问她要不要crepe,她说不要。我还在找贴在冰箱上的crepe的配方呢,没有找到。结果还是做了中国的鸡蛋饼。放了蓖麻子粉。不过,她说了,你们吃啥,我就吃啥。一听我们是吃印度饼,还是有点面露难色。
回到家,正在烤的羊肉可真是香。炒了青菜,冬瓜虾丸子汤。吃之前,她还挺高兴地给烤羊腿拍了一张照片。结果到了后来,就是把菜全部吃了,碗的那一点饭,开始拨弄来拨弄去。我不作声,问她,还要不要洋葱,还要不要冬瓜,她都摇头。我嗑了一会瓜子,还是把汤里的冬瓜帮她打了上来,没有菜,怎么就饭吃呢?她后来又扯了一点羊腿肉,终于把饭顺利地吃下去了。
吃过饭,他洗碗,我做烧卖,她问我,能不能帮忙。我说,可以啊。我放在皮里,你包起来。上锅开始蒸了以后,我带狗狗出门扔球。她玩得高兴,可是又把自己的爪子后面的厚厚的肉给弄破了。这次是两个前爪,看着可真是让我心疼。立刻关到笼子了,等到血凝结住了,才放出来的。
装盘的时候,我尝了半个就把半个给她。她欣然地吃掉了,后来我在拨石榴的时候,她又拿了一个吃,一点没有带犹豫。
晚上吃的鸡汤面,没有周五的时候那么顺利,把菜和鸡都吃掉了,剩下一大堆面,面露难色。几乎分了一半给我们。不知道又是怎么了,知道这条康复的道路不是直线,但是我可真是希望这星星之火,是可以燎原的。就是为了这些moments,我就继续下去。
革命性的一周
上周末我做cookie的时候心里发虚,所以做的数量也不多,个头也很小,给她带的时候,本来想带两个的,但是想了一下,带了1个半。
她在学校给我发短信,说,cookie很好吃。我激动了半天。小心翼翼地说,如果喜欢的话,还有半个在微波炉上面,可以回家吃。
一周的早饭都死酒酿小园子,因为是南瓜小园子,她比较容易接受。这个周末本想再做的,但是糯米粉没有了。
Cocoa nibs来了,她说很喜欢,每天抓一把。下午回来也吃很多水果和酸奶。周二和周四的时候都是在我回家之前就去洗澡了。我心里就想,她是不是开始锻炼了。我本来想给她写短信问的,句子都打好了,但是还是没有发出去。这个界限很难把握。
周五晚上,我们上完小提琴课,回家吃早就准备好的鸡汤面。她为了要去看演出,十分钟之内吃得呼呼啦啦的,全部下肚。真是让我很惊讶。没有想到她给我也买了票。到了学校,我就让她去跟朋友在一起了。她找了Daniel那些朋友,并跟Daniel分了一个Pretzel,拿了一个气球,跟着观众们一起高呼。我一个人做在角落里,看着这群高中生,听着他们精力过剩的吼叫,看着台上的舞蹈,想象他们艰难的生活。
吼叫过后,回家的时候,她心情大好。看到比尔在家正给他早吃吃nuts的塑料袋在做扫尾工作,然后又傻不拉叽地说起卡路里。聪已经说过很多次不要在她面前说这些了,他还是木知木觉地问,为什么?有的时候,真相把他的脑袋劈开看看是不是有问题。
她说她今天晚上还没有吃瓜子呢,结果我们三个人又开始了茶话会,拿出水果。把我带回家的burger的肉吃掉了。我催她去睡觉的时候,她给我看她的手臂,说有一些肌肉,给我看她的腹部,承认自己夏天的时候根本就不是肌肉,而是瘦弱造成的结果。再给我看她在骨瘦如柴的时候的照片。
我们开始说起过去的吃东西和现在的吃东西。她说winter break之后她自己感到有好转,就是因为在这个break里,一直是很consistently 有人提醒她吃饭,如果饿了,就有东西吃。我很心酸,本来应该本能的反应,需要有人不停地提醒她,其实就是重新塑造cue。她说有一阵是,她不觉得饿了,后来又开始觉得饿的感觉,感到很害怕。
后来坐在counter top上居然吃冰激凌。她回忆了过去几个月,并说了她开始力量训练,她希望有粗壮的手臂和有力的大腿。我心里有担心,提醒她说,一定要输入大于输出。她说,I know。
周五晚上很欢乐。一直到过了半夜才睡。还赖在我的床上。这样的欢乐,久违了,我很珍惜。
她在学校给我发短信,说,cookie很好吃。我激动了半天。小心翼翼地说,如果喜欢的话,还有半个在微波炉上面,可以回家吃。
一周的早饭都死酒酿小园子,因为是南瓜小园子,她比较容易接受。这个周末本想再做的,但是糯米粉没有了。
Cocoa nibs来了,她说很喜欢,每天抓一把。下午回来也吃很多水果和酸奶。周二和周四的时候都是在我回家之前就去洗澡了。我心里就想,她是不是开始锻炼了。我本来想给她写短信问的,句子都打好了,但是还是没有发出去。这个界限很难把握。
周五晚上,我们上完小提琴课,回家吃早就准备好的鸡汤面。她为了要去看演出,十分钟之内吃得呼呼啦啦的,全部下肚。真是让我很惊讶。没有想到她给我也买了票。到了学校,我就让她去跟朋友在一起了。她找了Daniel那些朋友,并跟Daniel分了一个Pretzel,拿了一个气球,跟着观众们一起高呼。我一个人做在角落里,看着这群高中生,听着他们精力过剩的吼叫,看着台上的舞蹈,想象他们艰难的生活。
吼叫过后,回家的时候,她心情大好。看到比尔在家正给他早吃吃nuts的塑料袋在做扫尾工作,然后又傻不拉叽地说起卡路里。聪已经说过很多次不要在她面前说这些了,他还是木知木觉地问,为什么?有的时候,真相把他的脑袋劈开看看是不是有问题。
她说她今天晚上还没有吃瓜子呢,结果我们三个人又开始了茶话会,拿出水果。把我带回家的burger的肉吃掉了。我催她去睡觉的时候,她给我看她的手臂,说有一些肌肉,给我看她的腹部,承认自己夏天的时候根本就不是肌肉,而是瘦弱造成的结果。再给我看她在骨瘦如柴的时候的照片。
我们开始说起过去的吃东西和现在的吃东西。她说winter break之后她自己感到有好转,就是因为在这个break里,一直是很consistently 有人提醒她吃饭,如果饿了,就有东西吃。我很心酸,本来应该本能的反应,需要有人不停地提醒她,其实就是重新塑造cue。她说有一阵是,她不觉得饿了,后来又开始觉得饿的感觉,感到很害怕。
后来坐在counter top上居然吃冰激凌。她回忆了过去几个月,并说了她开始力量训练,她希望有粗壮的手臂和有力的大腿。我心里有担心,提醒她说,一定要输入大于输出。她说,I know。
周五晚上很欢乐。一直到过了半夜才睡。还赖在我的床上。这样的欢乐,久违了,我很珍惜。
2018年12月15日星期六
HOLIDAY POP!和我心中的POP
在公司的网站里看到有PSO的Holiday POP!排在waiting list上,后来问聪,她说很想去看。我说那就直接买票吧。买了票去看的。
她有了意识,提出还是在Chapter 3考试之前让数学老师tutor。我为她能够主动提出来而感到高兴。正好约在周六的12点,时间安排上就几乎接近完美了。
她上课,我看那本“Imagine Us Happy"。时间很快就过去了。我感到很饿。
我们决定在Market Fair里吃饭,不想再吃上次的墨西哥饭,那么剩下的选择就是Burger。记得以前来,我都是跟她分一个Burger的,但是这次,我们一人要了一个Burger,她还是想要salad,我说不要。我心里非常感激BBP没有写卡路里,否则我是要愤怒地走出去的。不去那家墨西哥餐馆也是因为这个原因。还要了一份炸红薯条。我心想,不管她吃不吃,先要一份再说。她要了一份柠檬汁,我特地关照不要冰块。
等待的当,我让她去隔壁买冰激淋,她要了Hazelnut口味的,不是很甜,但是很香。她还是把Burger的bun几乎都扔掉了。但是她居然吃了薯条。 并且还沾了调味酱。汉堡真的是很能够撑肚子的。我很快就饱了。她后来突然还问,你说我们薯条会不会不够呢?要不要再去买一份?
我当时都来不及激动就说,当然可以。
我就去买薯条。她把汉堡的面包几乎就扔掉了。但是因为不想破坏气氛和她还是想努力地吃薯条,所以我没有说。
我们就着薯条,几乎带着醉意地看着Subtle Asian Traits,几乎笑翻。我想哪里有母女这么bonding的?以后只要路过BBP,我会永远记住今天。
我其实也是思绪万千,结果她把我心里想的说了出来。她说,还记得九月份我们去海边的时候,你们给我吃薯条,我就逃跑了?
我说,你还记的呢?
她说,是的。我怎么就逃跑了呢?
我说,那个时候你的脸色可真是不好。发黄。
她说,是灰色的。
我说,那天我们也分了一个汉堡。骗人的龙虾。
她说,我们吃了生蚝。
我也是很久以来吃到几乎已经要醉掉的感觉。太饱了。
开车去普林斯顿,新的停车位真是让任何一辆车都没有机会蹭到上一辆车的便宜。
我们沿着Nassau稍微走了一小圈,就去普林的Richardson Auditorium了。第一次看Holiday POP!发现是PSO最座无虚席的音乐会。碰到了于琳夫妇俩。告诉她我女儿还是不好。当天晚上的聚会也参加不了。
我们的位置比较偏,几乎看不到小提前那个section。我们就看看只要还有空位,就找了个空坐下,是正对着舞台,一下效果好多了。普林斯顿高中的合唱团也参加这次演出,所以节目时而有活泼的歌唱,时而有舒缓的演奏。
节目已经结束以后,在观众的鼓掌下,指挥戴着圣诞帽再次出现在大家面前。
演出结束后,我们去小镇上逛逛,看到那棵巨大的圣诞树,电灯的时候我们没有去,因为实在是太冷了。今天算是补上。
Ben's Spoon门口居然人生人海,但是我们跑去Halo Pub买了冰激淋。她要了Lemon Sobert,我实在是吃不动了,很长时间没有吃得这么撑了。去Paper Source给她的画画老师买了生日卡片。可以选在的余地很多,她选了一张有artist的。我们还去那家韩国小店里看了一圈,说好了不买东西,只看来着。一个小时很快就过去了,天色已暗。我们互相安慰说,到了12/22后,白天就一天比一天长了。

回家我包了饺子,她还是勉强吃了6个,还是努力地往毛豆壳里吐饺子皮。不知道她跟碳水化合物怎么会有这么深的仇恨。但是还是吃了点玉米
吃过饭,我们再次带狗狗出门,说了说今天发生的事情。虽然下雨地湿,但是温度偏高,我们一路走着,一路评论着圣诞节灯的装饰。
晚上居然在看英国的烘培大赛。
她有了意识,提出还是在Chapter 3考试之前让数学老师tutor。我为她能够主动提出来而感到高兴。正好约在周六的12点,时间安排上就几乎接近完美了。
她上课,我看那本“Imagine Us Happy"。时间很快就过去了。我感到很饿。
等待的当,我让她去隔壁买冰激淋,她要了Hazelnut口味的,不是很甜,但是很香。她还是把Burger的bun几乎都扔掉了。但是她居然吃了薯条。 并且还沾了调味酱。汉堡真的是很能够撑肚子的。我很快就饱了。她后来突然还问,你说我们薯条会不会不够呢?要不要再去买一份?
我当时都来不及激动就说,当然可以。
我就去买薯条。她把汉堡的面包几乎就扔掉了。但是因为不想破坏气氛和她还是想努力地吃薯条,所以我没有说。
我们就着薯条,几乎带着醉意地看着Subtle Asian Traits,几乎笑翻。我想哪里有母女这么bonding的?以后只要路过BBP,我会永远记住今天。
我其实也是思绪万千,结果她把我心里想的说了出来。她说,还记得九月份我们去海边的时候,你们给我吃薯条,我就逃跑了?
我说,你还记的呢?
她说,是的。我怎么就逃跑了呢?
我说,那个时候你的脸色可真是不好。发黄。
她说,是灰色的。
我说,那天我们也分了一个汉堡。骗人的龙虾。
她说,我们吃了生蚝。
我也是很久以来吃到几乎已经要醉掉的感觉。太饱了。
开车去普林斯顿,新的停车位真是让任何一辆车都没有机会蹭到上一辆车的便宜。
我们沿着Nassau稍微走了一小圈,就去普林的Richardson Auditorium了。第一次看Holiday POP!发现是PSO最座无虚席的音乐会。碰到了于琳夫妇俩。告诉她我女儿还是不好。当天晚上的聚会也参加不了。
我们的位置比较偏,几乎看不到小提前那个section。我们就看看只要还有空位,就找了个空坐下,是正对着舞台,一下效果好多了。普林斯顿高中的合唱团也参加这次演出,所以节目时而有活泼的歌唱,时而有舒缓的演奏。
节目已经结束以后,在观众的鼓掌下,指挥戴着圣诞帽再次出现在大家面前。
演出结束后,我们去小镇上逛逛,看到那棵巨大的圣诞树,电灯的时候我们没有去,因为实在是太冷了。今天算是补上。
回家我包了饺子,她还是勉强吃了6个,还是努力地往毛豆壳里吐饺子皮。不知道她跟碳水化合物怎么会有这么深的仇恨。但是还是吃了点玉米
吃过饭,我们再次带狗狗出门,说了说今天发生的事情。虽然下雨地湿,但是温度偏高,我们一路走着,一路评论着圣诞节灯的装饰。
晚上居然在看英国的烘培大赛。
2018年11月27日星期二
The Myth of Recovery Through Therapy
https://opinionabouted.wordpress.com/author/amazonialove/
The underlying aim of psychological interventions in ED is to assist the person to form new patterns of behaviour, particularly normalising eating, followed by gaining a conscious awareness of the triggers and stressors that someone with ED will manage by starving – because there is a neurobiological payoff from getting into and staying in a calorie deficit/negative energy balance – ED people have a unique neurobiological response to a neuropeptide that is secreted when a person is in a calorie deficit, and that has a powerful numbing-down effect on emotional responses.
To form new behaviours, there is a physical process of neurogenesis and synaptogenesis – as in building complex physical structures, and then reinforcing these with repetition.
It is impossible to effectively build new brain structures in a catabolic state, where the body is not taking in enough energy to maintain their body weight, regain lost body weight (which has been shown by peer reviewed research to at first preferentially increase fat mass levels).
It is IMPOSSIBLE to restore the fatty tissues of the brain when the body is in a state where it must consume its own tissue to sustain life. Not from a psychological viewpoint, but from a physiological viewpoint. You cannot, CANNOT, effectively build new tissue and maintain full body function in a calorie deficit.
Catabolism means that the body consumes its own tissues in order to get the nutrients it needs in order to stay alive. The brain, being one of the fattiest organs in the body, has been shown through MRIs to lose mass when a person is starving. Until that mass can be restored, with enough energy coming in to restore all of the other catabolised organs and systems, as well as enough energy coming in to allow the body to prioritise brain function, then it is nigh impossible for someone with ED to get to a remitted state.
As well, there are a serious of critical processes in puberty and where the brain structure changes dramatically, and where new white matter, and myelin, is laid down at a great rate. This is dependent on nutrition – and actual calories. We have this great urban myth that a healthy enough diet will ensure healthy development – but unless there are enough calories coming in consistently – it physically cannot happen.
Also, there is a changeover period in late young adulthood where the functioning shifts from being processed by the amygdala to instead being processed in the prefrontal cortex. Again, this CANNOT happen if the person is in a catabolic state. It requires a surplus of calories to happen. It also requires reproductive hormones to be at specific levels in order to happen. Starvation negatively impacts the production of those hormones, and makes that impossible.
People with long term ED can be stuck in a state of perpetual puberty, and never learn to regulate their emotions or behaviour in an adult manner because that changeover has not happened. Some will be diagnosed with MH disorders as a result. There are many in the ED remission community whose MH issues dissipated, or at least greatly lessened, once their intake was high enough for a consistent period.
One reason that we have such high levels of relapse, and a terrible attrition rate with deaths in the ED community, is that the data first gathered in the only longitudinal study on starvation to date – the Minnesota Starvation Experiment – has not been assimilated into the ED recovery narrative.
Yes, it is an old study – but it is the only one of its kind. And its data are STILL being referenced by people who research in this area. There are three aspects in particular that are very relevant in ED.
1. The findings Ancel Keys presented in Chicago in the 50s, on that experiment, that the men were unable to restore their bodies back to their normal set point until their intake was at least 4,000 calories. He made the observation that until the calorie intake was high enough, nutritional elements (we call them macros) were of little to no use.
2. In the early stages of refeeding, the bodies of the men preferentially increased the ratio of fat mass to lean mass. I.E they gained fat FIRST – with some overshooting their previous weight by 100 lb. Then lean mass was increased and the fat mass was lowered – without exception, all tapered back WITHOUT lowering intake or exercising to lose weight.
3. The mental health issues that developed during the study, and these encompassed a vast range, ALL dissipated with sustained refeeding. They were understood to be a side effect of starvation. This viewpoint has been since reinforced with MANY studies on the impact of starvation in other populations.
The parent’s groups that use FBT and similar at home, or in conjunction with formal treatment have had many hundreds of children and adolescents get to remission have seen the recoveries of those children follow the trajectory of the Minnesota Experiment. And in the adult recovery community, many hundreds of people – if not thousands – in recovery have followed the same trajectory to achieve remission successfully.
Most have had psychological help of some kind. All, without exception, have been refed to the point where they overshot an original weight, and tapered back to a lower weight WITHOUT reducing intake.
The men in the Minnesota Experiment would have been considered overweight or obese today. They, if in recovery from ED now, would have likely had their intake reduced when they hit a certain weight, and would have been told to avoid obesoegenic foods. They would have been encouraged to lose weight by exercising if they hit a certain point – depending on who their recovery team were. We have generations of young people, and adults also, stuck in a state of suspended animation – all too often as a direct result of our societal narrative against weight gain, overweight and obesity. Many are stuck in a state of extremely poor MH also, because they simply are not getting the calories they need in order to restore their physical brain along with their body. And many of these are in therapy – whether as outpatients, inpatients, or in PHP. Some do therapy a few times a week. And yet their intake is all too often less than a small child’s because of absolutely rigid attitudes about weight and body size, and the fat mass/lean mass ratio in relation to recovery.
How can those people recover fully while their intake is suppressed? From a purely physiological viewpoint, taking weight bias out of the equation, and shutting down the incessant societal yapping about overweight and obesity which has pervaded the ED world and continues to poison it, they CANNOT recover fully. That is a physiological impossibility because of how catabolism works.
For those that had ED from before their teens hit, and who have never gone into full remission, there is the added issue of delayed development from the adolescent brain to the adult brain. And that all too often manifests as MH problems – some of which dissipate after a sustained period of refeeding. Not all, with comorbids being possible. But there are many many who end up with an MH diagnosis (or diagnoses) without ever being given the chance to refeed at a high enough intake for a long enough period of time.
I am sure we all know the stories of many of these. The ones who move from admission to admission, to this therapist and that clinic, and on and on. The ones who take meds on a list as long as your arm; the ones who end up in restraints and on an NG tube for years and years. The ones I know of personally, and that is in the hundreds now, are without exception on an intake below that mentioned by Ancel Keys, and below that stipulated by clinics and clinicians who have been highly successful in getting people into remission, including Rebecca Peebles of CHoP and USCD. I see all too many of these people, subsisting, hovering on the brink of life for all too long, only allowed to reach a certain weight – for most this is a very low BMI, a BMI that only 4% of the population will be at naturally – and being trained to active suppress weight gain above that point. These are often dismissed as being beyond help, and as chronic sufferers. I call bullshit on that; and so dies current peer-reviewed practice and research.
And they have complex and varied MH issues. Do they what.
There is that old saying: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The long term chronicity of ED by now surely informs us that there is no way of “therapying” someone out of the condition. SURELY. And yet, because “this is the way we have always done it” – that is the way it keeps getting done.
And children are dying; teenagers are dying; adults are dying. The ones who don’t die live in some half life, propped up erroneous attitudes about body weight, lurching from one crisis to another. Then there are the invisible ones; the ones who will never have babies; the ones who will never hold down a career that inspires them; the ones who will never manage to have a function relationship with an S.O. The ones who will deteriorate as they get to middle age, with health issues directly relating to a sustained history of sub-clinical starvation mounting up as the years go by. Not to mention the ones who will suffer premature onset of degenerative neurobiological disorders even as their bones crumble and their heart and other major organs start to falter.
We have to change the narrative. ED is an eating disorder. People are unable to eat in a way that allows them to thrive. No amount of therapy will change that without also disallowing any form of weight suppression, or the prescription of (and it staggers me that this is even a thing) DELIBERATE WEIGHT LOSS. The Minnesota Experiment is the only study to date that informs us so profoundly about recovery from starvation. It is absolutely relevant in terms of explaining and predicting the physicality of a robust recovery. The trajectory it spells out for physical recovery from starvation MUST be more widely embraced as a model if we are to move on from the current appalling mortality rate and chronicity levels.
ASHLEY says:
November 19, 2018 at 2:32 pm
Fantastic article! I developed an ED in adolescence, was in some degree of remission for years, relapsed after a tbi. Can you share your background and\ or references?
AMAZONIALOVE says:
November 20, 2018 at 9:31 am
Hi Ashley, thanks for commenting. The original Minnesota Experiment is detailed in a fairly hefty volume, but worth the effort if you are interested: Keys, A., Brozek, J., Henshel, A., Mickelson, O., & Taylor, H.L. (1950). The biology of human starvation, (Vols. 1–2). Minneapolis, MN: University of Minnesota Press.
Keys in 1945 made the comment about “4000 calories” being necessary: “Enough food must be supplied to allow tissues destroyed during starvation to be rebuilt … our experiments have shown that in an adult man no appreciable rehabilitation can take place on a diet of 2000 calories [actually 2000 kcal (8368 kJ)] a day. The proper level is more like 4000 [4000 kcal (16,736 kJ)] daily for some months. The character of the rehabilitation diet is important also, but unless calories are abundant, then extra proteins, vitamins and minerals are of little value. 1945 ‘U’ Experiment Proves Starved People Can’t Be Taught Democracy. Minneapolis Star-Journal September 26, 1945:18.
My background is a 44 year history of ED, starting with ARFID as a young child and then moving in and out of remission and relapse through my adulthood. For the majority of my adulthood I returned time and time again to a state of sub-clinical starvation. Until I read the research of Gwyneth Olwyn of The Eating Disorder Institute https://edinstitute.org in 2013 (at the age of 52) I thought that I was a naturally “slim person”, that I had “recovered permanently from ED when I was 20, and that I was an expert in eating healthy and weight management. Turns out I had Anorexia Nervosa and went into recovery – and because Gwyneth’s method of recovery (HDRM) is weight neutral and focuses on normalising eating and letting go of all ED behaviours I was able to start practising remission at that moment. I have run a recovery support group on FB for 4 years, and contribute in a number of other forums for people in recovery and carers. I have seen hundreds of people reach remission using this paradigm as a basis. I have also seen many people who are still being treated in weight centric and weight biased ways die, or become semi invalid with long term hospitalisation and never able to get far enough into recovery to see progress.
Gwyneth has a book that I highly recommend = stacked with references, and covering off ED with really broad strokes. It is available on Amazon “Recover from Eating Disorders: Homeodynamic Recovery Method, A Step-by-Step Guide”. However, Gwyneth also recommends that people MUST receive medical monitoring and not recover without that help – ideally a size accepting Dr who can supervise and monitor someone all the way through a recovery.
The underlying aim of psychological interventions in ED is to assist the person to form new patterns of behaviour, particularly normalising eating, followed by gaining a conscious awareness of the triggers and stressors that someone with ED will manage by starving – because there is a neurobiological payoff from getting into and staying in a calorie deficit/negative energy balance – ED people have a unique neurobiological response to a neuropeptide that is secreted when a person is in a calorie deficit, and that has a powerful numbing-down effect on emotional responses.
To form new behaviours, there is a physical process of neurogenesis and synaptogenesis – as in building complex physical structures, and then reinforcing these with repetition.
It is impossible to effectively build new brain structures in a catabolic state, where the body is not taking in enough energy to maintain their body weight, regain lost body weight (which has been shown by peer reviewed research to at first preferentially increase fat mass levels).
It is IMPOSSIBLE to restore the fatty tissues of the brain when the body is in a state where it must consume its own tissue to sustain life. Not from a psychological viewpoint, but from a physiological viewpoint. You cannot, CANNOT, effectively build new tissue and maintain full body function in a calorie deficit.
Catabolism means that the body consumes its own tissues in order to get the nutrients it needs in order to stay alive. The brain, being one of the fattiest organs in the body, has been shown through MRIs to lose mass when a person is starving. Until that mass can be restored, with enough energy coming in to restore all of the other catabolised organs and systems, as well as enough energy coming in to allow the body to prioritise brain function, then it is nigh impossible for someone with ED to get to a remitted state.
As well, there are a serious of critical processes in puberty and where the brain structure changes dramatically, and where new white matter, and myelin, is laid down at a great rate. This is dependent on nutrition – and actual calories. We have this great urban myth that a healthy enough diet will ensure healthy development – but unless there are enough calories coming in consistently – it physically cannot happen.
Also, there is a changeover period in late young adulthood where the functioning shifts from being processed by the amygdala to instead being processed in the prefrontal cortex. Again, this CANNOT happen if the person is in a catabolic state. It requires a surplus of calories to happen. It also requires reproductive hormones to be at specific levels in order to happen. Starvation negatively impacts the production of those hormones, and makes that impossible.
People with long term ED can be stuck in a state of perpetual puberty, and never learn to regulate their emotions or behaviour in an adult manner because that changeover has not happened. Some will be diagnosed with MH disorders as a result. There are many in the ED remission community whose MH issues dissipated, or at least greatly lessened, once their intake was high enough for a consistent period.
One reason that we have such high levels of relapse, and a terrible attrition rate with deaths in the ED community, is that the data first gathered in the only longitudinal study on starvation to date – the Minnesota Starvation Experiment – has not been assimilated into the ED recovery narrative.
Yes, it is an old study – but it is the only one of its kind. And its data are STILL being referenced by people who research in this area. There are three aspects in particular that are very relevant in ED.
1. The findings Ancel Keys presented in Chicago in the 50s, on that experiment, that the men were unable to restore their bodies back to their normal set point until their intake was at least 4,000 calories. He made the observation that until the calorie intake was high enough, nutritional elements (we call them macros) were of little to no use.
2. In the early stages of refeeding, the bodies of the men preferentially increased the ratio of fat mass to lean mass. I.E they gained fat FIRST – with some overshooting their previous weight by 100 lb. Then lean mass was increased and the fat mass was lowered – without exception, all tapered back WITHOUT lowering intake or exercising to lose weight.
3. The mental health issues that developed during the study, and these encompassed a vast range, ALL dissipated with sustained refeeding. They were understood to be a side effect of starvation. This viewpoint has been since reinforced with MANY studies on the impact of starvation in other populations.
The parent’s groups that use FBT and similar at home, or in conjunction with formal treatment have had many hundreds of children and adolescents get to remission have seen the recoveries of those children follow the trajectory of the Minnesota Experiment. And in the adult recovery community, many hundreds of people – if not thousands – in recovery have followed the same trajectory to achieve remission successfully.
Most have had psychological help of some kind. All, without exception, have been refed to the point where they overshot an original weight, and tapered back to a lower weight WITHOUT reducing intake.
The men in the Minnesota Experiment would have been considered overweight or obese today. They, if in recovery from ED now, would have likely had their intake reduced when they hit a certain weight, and would have been told to avoid obesoegenic foods. They would have been encouraged to lose weight by exercising if they hit a certain point – depending on who their recovery team were. We have generations of young people, and adults also, stuck in a state of suspended animation – all too often as a direct result of our societal narrative against weight gain, overweight and obesity. Many are stuck in a state of extremely poor MH also, because they simply are not getting the calories they need in order to restore their physical brain along with their body. And many of these are in therapy – whether as outpatients, inpatients, or in PHP. Some do therapy a few times a week. And yet their intake is all too often less than a small child’s because of absolutely rigid attitudes about weight and body size, and the fat mass/lean mass ratio in relation to recovery.
How can those people recover fully while their intake is suppressed? From a purely physiological viewpoint, taking weight bias out of the equation, and shutting down the incessant societal yapping about overweight and obesity which has pervaded the ED world and continues to poison it, they CANNOT recover fully. That is a physiological impossibility because of how catabolism works.
For those that had ED from before their teens hit, and who have never gone into full remission, there is the added issue of delayed development from the adolescent brain to the adult brain. And that all too often manifests as MH problems – some of which dissipate after a sustained period of refeeding. Not all, with comorbids being possible. But there are many many who end up with an MH diagnosis (or diagnoses) without ever being given the chance to refeed at a high enough intake for a long enough period of time.
I am sure we all know the stories of many of these. The ones who move from admission to admission, to this therapist and that clinic, and on and on. The ones who take meds on a list as long as your arm; the ones who end up in restraints and on an NG tube for years and years. The ones I know of personally, and that is in the hundreds now, are without exception on an intake below that mentioned by Ancel Keys, and below that stipulated by clinics and clinicians who have been highly successful in getting people into remission, including Rebecca Peebles of CHoP and USCD. I see all too many of these people, subsisting, hovering on the brink of life for all too long, only allowed to reach a certain weight – for most this is a very low BMI, a BMI that only 4% of the population will be at naturally – and being trained to active suppress weight gain above that point. These are often dismissed as being beyond help, and as chronic sufferers. I call bullshit on that; and so dies current peer-reviewed practice and research.
And they have complex and varied MH issues. Do they what.
There is that old saying: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The long term chronicity of ED by now surely informs us that there is no way of “therapying” someone out of the condition. SURELY. And yet, because “this is the way we have always done it” – that is the way it keeps getting done.
And children are dying; teenagers are dying; adults are dying. The ones who don’t die live in some half life, propped up erroneous attitudes about body weight, lurching from one crisis to another. Then there are the invisible ones; the ones who will never have babies; the ones who will never hold down a career that inspires them; the ones who will never manage to have a function relationship with an S.O. The ones who will deteriorate as they get to middle age, with health issues directly relating to a sustained history of sub-clinical starvation mounting up as the years go by. Not to mention the ones who will suffer premature onset of degenerative neurobiological disorders even as their bones crumble and their heart and other major organs start to falter.
We have to change the narrative. ED is an eating disorder. People are unable to eat in a way that allows them to thrive. No amount of therapy will change that without also disallowing any form of weight suppression, or the prescription of (and it staggers me that this is even a thing) DELIBERATE WEIGHT LOSS. The Minnesota Experiment is the only study to date that informs us so profoundly about recovery from starvation. It is absolutely relevant in terms of explaining and predicting the physicality of a robust recovery. The trajectory it spells out for physical recovery from starvation MUST be more widely embraced as a model if we are to move on from the current appalling mortality rate and chronicity levels.
ASHLEY says:
November 19, 2018 at 2:32 pm
Fantastic article! I developed an ED in adolescence, was in some degree of remission for years, relapsed after a tbi. Can you share your background and\ or references?
AMAZONIALOVE says:
November 20, 2018 at 9:31 am
Hi Ashley, thanks for commenting. The original Minnesota Experiment is detailed in a fairly hefty volume, but worth the effort if you are interested: Keys, A., Brozek, J., Henshel, A., Mickelson, O., & Taylor, H.L. (1950). The biology of human starvation, (Vols. 1–2). Minneapolis, MN: University of Minnesota Press.
Keys in 1945 made the comment about “4000 calories” being necessary: “Enough food must be supplied to allow tissues destroyed during starvation to be rebuilt … our experiments have shown that in an adult man no appreciable rehabilitation can take place on a diet of 2000 calories [actually 2000 kcal (8368 kJ)] a day. The proper level is more like 4000 [4000 kcal (16,736 kJ)] daily for some months. The character of the rehabilitation diet is important also, but unless calories are abundant, then extra proteins, vitamins and minerals are of little value. 1945 ‘U’ Experiment Proves Starved People Can’t Be Taught Democracy. Minneapolis Star-Journal September 26, 1945:18.
My background is a 44 year history of ED, starting with ARFID as a young child and then moving in and out of remission and relapse through my adulthood. For the majority of my adulthood I returned time and time again to a state of sub-clinical starvation. Until I read the research of Gwyneth Olwyn of The Eating Disorder Institute https://edinstitute.org in 2013 (at the age of 52) I thought that I was a naturally “slim person”, that I had “recovered permanently from ED when I was 20, and that I was an expert in eating healthy and weight management. Turns out I had Anorexia Nervosa and went into recovery – and because Gwyneth’s method of recovery (HDRM) is weight neutral and focuses on normalising eating and letting go of all ED behaviours I was able to start practising remission at that moment. I have run a recovery support group on FB for 4 years, and contribute in a number of other forums for people in recovery and carers. I have seen hundreds of people reach remission using this paradigm as a basis. I have also seen many people who are still being treated in weight centric and weight biased ways die, or become semi invalid with long term hospitalisation and never able to get far enough into recovery to see progress.
Gwyneth has a book that I highly recommend = stacked with references, and covering off ED with really broad strokes. It is available on Amazon “Recover from Eating Disorders: Homeodynamic Recovery Method, A Step-by-Step Guide”. However, Gwyneth also recommends that people MUST receive medical monitoring and not recover without that help – ideally a size accepting Dr who can supervise and monitor someone all the way through a recovery.
2018年11月21日星期三
2018感恩节前夕
她在很多个月里第一次主动要求吃了Burger和蛋糕。在同一天里,同一顿饭里。
学校半天。我迫不及待地等到她学校放学之后去接她,带她去吃饭。之前她问了好几次,说,我们是出去吃吗?我说,是啊。但是一直没有具体说去哪里吃,也没有征求她的意见。她上了车后说,是surprise吗?我说,是啊。
其实就是带她去Hopewell Downtown的Farmer's Market。这是一个非常热闹的小集市,有买蔬菜水果,自制的小点心,一个Bakery,一个Cafe,还有卖生肉和芝士的地方。很有人气,但是并不拥挤。
她说要Burger,我吃了一惊,立刻鼓励她说,好的。然后还要了一份沙拉,两个人分。再去Juice那里要鲜榨的果汁。
吃到一半,我说,我有点想吃羊角面包。她说,要不要一份巧克力蛋糕吧?我立刻同意,好啊。我们一同去看,要了一份巧克力蛋糕,一份南瓜芝士蛋糕。Burger吃完后,我们吃甜带。她说能否要一份咖啡。我说,好。给她钱自己去买。
能够享受一份她提出想吃什么东西的午饭,我很满足。而且情绪上也少了很大的波动。心里高兴,告诉她,没有噙着泪。
我们出去在路上走走,我想去那个小公园看看。一拐弯,就在公园入口处看到这么一个little free library,借一本呢,就放一本自己想借给别人看的书。心里好温暖。
看到荡秋千,不放过。
后来我们想着还是带狗狗来。回到家以后,风大,天阴,还是带狗狗在小区里走了一圈,扔球,那是后话。
是一个很美好的下午。
我们一起看了《龙文身的女孩》。我听过书,所以知道内容非常暴力和黑暗,事先提醒了她,但是我们都还是被吓到了。她的小脸通红。看完后,憎恨人类,尤其是男人。并且对瑞典也有了别样的理解。
一起完成了拼图。最后只剩下几片,全部拼完的时候,感觉可真是好。
但愿这是一个好节假日。
2018年10月15日星期一
妈妈,我吃得好吗?
开始refeeding第六周了,刚开始的一个月应该没有太多地加饭量,因为她缓慢的新陈代谢是接受不了很强烈的卡路里的,前一个月的目标就是保证体重不再下降了。
周末来临,吃饭就成了一个非常棘手的问题。
10/13/2018的早餐是,我坐了一个热的卷饼,敲了一个鸡蛋,加上菠菜和火鸡肉,一杯奶茶,一个橙子,她吃饼的时候就很不自觉地把饼皮撕下来,我上去给她拿外套的当,她就包在餐巾纸里扔了。我下楼看到她的盆子里一下子少了很多,她说,我咬了一大口,我立刻就去垃圾桶里找,看到了她扔掉的皮。她抓起来就往嘴里送。因为接下去她要有一个四个小时的考试,所以我是忍了回去。
雨没完没了,正好在家里收拾衣服,今年把羽绒被给她盖,找出了所有冬天的衣服,换掉挂在衣橱里的夏天的衣服。好像我们去年收拾得时候扔掉了很多,所以这次收拾,比我想象中要迅速很多,也额外地买了盒子,扔掉了不要的,心里一下子舒坦很多。
带着狗狗出门,收到她的短信,比预计的时间要提前将近40分钟,就带着狗狗往家赶。到家了,不进家门,在门口坐着,让狗狗陪着。她说 I am sorry。我告诉她No worries。直道看到她们的车开进来,我带着狗狗去车道上等着。狗狗看到她,超级兴奋地飞迸。
中午决定去吃点心。她只有烧麦和虾饺的皮是没有吐出来的,其他的都吐了一盘又一盘。因为在外吃饭,我只能不作声。
散步的时候,我问她,怎么可以这样呢?她不作声。
晚上吃的面条,whole food买的Ramen。熬了一天的排骨汤了,很浓郁,加了黄豆芽,青菜,百叶节,给他们两个人一人又煎了一个鸡蛋。他们都说Ramen好吃。她还是不能停止把Ramen不小心地掉出来。
周日上午:豆浆,粽子,煎馄饨,知道她不会吃,于是给她摊了一张鸡蛋饼。看到她把鸡蛋饼分成极小的碎片,我真想把盘子掀翻,告诉她不要吃了。
回来的路上,让她吃了几颗葡萄。
周日中午,糖醋鱼,米饭,四季豆,蚌壳蒸鸡蛋。她还是不停地往外面撒米饭。
周日下午,送她去ART STUDIO之后,我带狗狗去跑了5英里,然后回家做饭,因为做了仓促愚蠢的决定,把她最喜欢的球掉到了baseball field里去,洗完澡后,我马不停蹄地做包子(14个),做烧麦(50个),油面筋塞肉,煮稀饭。因为蒸锅不够用了,所以煎了几个包子。
还要做Muffin的batter。
晚上吃饭的时候,我已经没有了力气。
一大堆的锅碗瓢盆在sink里,我快洗完的时候,她跑过来问我,“我今天吃得好吗?你注意到了吗?”我说,“你吃得非常好,一点烧麦皮都没有扔。”
她是渴望吃得好的吧?她是想好的吧?只有在这样的时刻,我感到微弱的一点点希望。
周末来临,吃饭就成了一个非常棘手的问题。
10/13/2018的早餐是,我坐了一个热的卷饼,敲了一个鸡蛋,加上菠菜和火鸡肉,一杯奶茶,一个橙子,她吃饼的时候就很不自觉地把饼皮撕下来,我上去给她拿外套的当,她就包在餐巾纸里扔了。我下楼看到她的盆子里一下子少了很多,她说,我咬了一大口,我立刻就去垃圾桶里找,看到了她扔掉的皮。她抓起来就往嘴里送。因为接下去她要有一个四个小时的考试,所以我是忍了回去。
雨没完没了,正好在家里收拾衣服,今年把羽绒被给她盖,找出了所有冬天的衣服,换掉挂在衣橱里的夏天的衣服。好像我们去年收拾得时候扔掉了很多,所以这次收拾,比我想象中要迅速很多,也额外地买了盒子,扔掉了不要的,心里一下子舒坦很多。
带着狗狗出门,收到她的短信,比预计的时间要提前将近40分钟,就带着狗狗往家赶。到家了,不进家门,在门口坐着,让狗狗陪着。她说 I am sorry。我告诉她No worries。直道看到她们的车开进来,我带着狗狗去车道上等着。狗狗看到她,超级兴奋地飞迸。
中午决定去吃点心。她只有烧麦和虾饺的皮是没有吐出来的,其他的都吐了一盘又一盘。因为在外吃饭,我只能不作声。
散步的时候,我问她,怎么可以这样呢?她不作声。
晚上吃的面条,whole food买的Ramen。熬了一天的排骨汤了,很浓郁,加了黄豆芽,青菜,百叶节,给他们两个人一人又煎了一个鸡蛋。他们都说Ramen好吃。她还是不能停止把Ramen不小心地掉出来。
周日上午:豆浆,粽子,煎馄饨,知道她不会吃,于是给她摊了一张鸡蛋饼。看到她把鸡蛋饼分成极小的碎片,我真想把盘子掀翻,告诉她不要吃了。
回来的路上,让她吃了几颗葡萄。
周日中午,糖醋鱼,米饭,四季豆,蚌壳蒸鸡蛋。她还是不停地往外面撒米饭。
周日下午,送她去ART STUDIO之后,我带狗狗去跑了5英里,然后回家做饭,因为做了仓促愚蠢的决定,把她最喜欢的球掉到了baseball field里去,洗完澡后,我马不停蹄地做包子(14个),做烧麦(50个),油面筋塞肉,煮稀饭。因为蒸锅不够用了,所以煎了几个包子。
还要做Muffin的batter。
晚上吃饭的时候,我已经没有了力气。
一大堆的锅碗瓢盆在sink里,我快洗完的时候,她跑过来问我,“我今天吃得好吗?你注意到了吗?”我说,“你吃得非常好,一点烧麦皮都没有扔。”
她是渴望吃得好的吧?她是想好的吧?只有在这样的时刻,我感到微弱的一点点希望。
2018年10月5日星期五
Refeed的第一周
加了一个标签,因为不知道会是怎样一个漫长的征战。
劳工日长周末的周日去了KEN家,因为在别人家的缘故,她只吃了4个饺子。我心中的火苗一直在燃烧,直到回到家中吃了晚饭,在我的威逼之下让她称了体重。100.7磅。这个数字让我们两个人都晕了。6月23日年检的时候,她的体重是111磅,去年夏天117磅,去拉斯维加斯之前是107磅,没有想到在短短的三周,她居然掉了这么多。
我们都害怕。我的恐惧是愤怒的方式表示的,而她的则是用哭泣。
我觉得事情到了一个需要我入侵的时候。
在网上找了大量的资料,借了好几本书。看那本“Brave Girl Eating"的时候,我感到毛骨悚然,因为其中说道的,一旦得了厌食症,就是终身得了厌食症。现在最重要的第一步是,要让她把失去的体重长回来,在这个过程中,是不能给她自主权的,完全都由大人来掌握。
9/12:晚上吃过晚饭秤体重:101.7磅。
劳工日长周末的周日去了KEN家,因为在别人家的缘故,她只吃了4个饺子。我心中的火苗一直在燃烧,直到回到家中吃了晚饭,在我的威逼之下让她称了体重。100.7磅。这个数字让我们两个人都晕了。6月23日年检的时候,她的体重是111磅,去年夏天117磅,去拉斯维加斯之前是107磅,没有想到在短短的三周,她居然掉了这么多。
我们都害怕。我的恐惧是愤怒的方式表示的,而她的则是用哭泣。
我觉得事情到了一个需要我入侵的时候。
在网上找了大量的资料,借了好几本书。看那本“Brave Girl Eating"的时候,我感到毛骨悚然,因为其中说道的,一旦得了厌食症,就是终身得了厌食症。现在最重要的第一步是,要让她把失去的体重长回来,在这个过程中,是不能给她自主权的,完全都由大人来掌握。
9/12:晚上吃过晚饭秤体重:101.7磅。
2018年10月4日星期四
她的谎言,拒绝进食
又到了周三秤体重的时候。我给她机会,让她晚上吃了酸奶之后再秤。我站在她身边,看着她把酸奶和一点水果全部吃完。她的举动有点奇怪。我说,给你秤完体重,我会带Rixi出门。她马上说,你现在就带她出门,回来之后我正好吃完。我说,不用,就一会的功夫。
在秤体重之前,她仍了一样东西在垃圾桶里。我掀开垃圾桶,翻出那包东西,一张餐巾纸里包着酸奶和几个菠萝,还有我后来加进去的坚果。我的火立刻就窜上来了。我忍着没有高声叫喊,让她先去秤体重。104.6,当然,因为她穿了半场裤,还有一件jacket,虽然很轻。
我问她为什么要扔掉。她不停地撒谎说,是掉在地下的。我说,怎么可能,碗都没有摔碎,怎么平白无故里面的内容就掉下来了。她死咬住这句话不放。
我让她吃了另一罐酸奶,加上很多水果。并且告诉她,明天要么我就去学校看着她吃饭,要么就让她的Guidance Counselor知道这个情况,以后她就去老师的办公室吃饭。
----
第二天早晨10点15分的样子,我打电话给她,问她是不是吃饭时间了,我可以过来跟她一起吃饭。然后我再问她,昨天是不是撒谎了,是不是故意把菠萝扔掉的?她承认了。我问,为什么昨天不承认,她说反正承认还是不承认,eitherway, you are gonna get mad anyway。我说,那你为什么不吃?她说,她不饿。我说,我们达成协议,一日三餐,一日三顿零食。可能为了不让我来学校,她的态度有所缓和。
直道比尔打电话,说,她的Macbook有water damage。可能不在保修范围之内,因为拆开键盘后,是粘粘乎乎的。他问我们应该怎么惩罚她?我不说话。他问我们过去惩罚过她吗?我还是不说话。
我说什么呢?
在秤体重之前,她仍了一样东西在垃圾桶里。我掀开垃圾桶,翻出那包东西,一张餐巾纸里包着酸奶和几个菠萝,还有我后来加进去的坚果。我的火立刻就窜上来了。我忍着没有高声叫喊,让她先去秤体重。104.6,当然,因为她穿了半场裤,还有一件jacket,虽然很轻。
我问她为什么要扔掉。她不停地撒谎说,是掉在地下的。我说,怎么可能,碗都没有摔碎,怎么平白无故里面的内容就掉下来了。她死咬住这句话不放。
我让她吃了另一罐酸奶,加上很多水果。并且告诉她,明天要么我就去学校看着她吃饭,要么就让她的Guidance Counselor知道这个情况,以后她就去老师的办公室吃饭。
----
第二天早晨10点15分的样子,我打电话给她,问她是不是吃饭时间了,我可以过来跟她一起吃饭。然后我再问她,昨天是不是撒谎了,是不是故意把菠萝扔掉的?她承认了。我问,为什么昨天不承认,她说反正承认还是不承认,eitherway, you are gonna get mad anyway。我说,那你为什么不吃?她说,她不饿。我说,我们达成协议,一日三餐,一日三顿零食。可能为了不让我来学校,她的态度有所缓和。
直道比尔打电话,说,她的Macbook有water damage。可能不在保修范围之内,因为拆开键盘后,是粘粘乎乎的。他问我们应该怎么惩罚她?我不说话。他问我们过去惩罚过她吗?我还是不说话。
我说什么呢?
2018年9月20日星期四
那些鼓舞我们俩的对话
今天早晨第一节是自习课。她一般来说都跟我说两句话。我看了前两句,很紧张,担心是她,打电话过去,发现是她的朋友。我说很sad。
看到她居然能一下子就吃左宗鸡,所谓的非常不健康的那种,而且要了两次。我真的是由衷地为她高兴。
昨天称了体重,晚饭前称的,与上次晚饭后对比少了半磅。我觉得这有点不是很公平。于是就晚饭后再让她称一次,这次103.4,比上周三要涨了2磅不到。(上周三是101.7)。
如果这样的趋势能够保持,我想很久就会打败这让人可恶的ED。
看着她这样恢复,我就忍了早晨我让她把boost喝干净的时候,她对我的白眼吧。
看到她居然能一下子就吃左宗鸡,所谓的非常不健康的那种,而且要了两次。我真的是由衷地为她高兴。
昨天称了体重,晚饭前称的,与上次晚饭后对比少了半磅。我觉得这有点不是很公平。于是就晚饭后再让她称一次,这次103.4,比上周三要涨了2磅不到。(上周三是101.7)。
如果这样的趋势能够保持,我想很久就会打败这让人可恶的ED。
看着她这样恢复,我就忍了早晨我让她把boost喝干净的时候,她对我的白眼吧。
2018年9月19日星期三
她的脆弱
前两周我几乎无时不刻地想着她的病,感受到我们之间的紧张,尤其在吃饭的时候。昨天晚上,我做了霉干菜红烧肉,她还是吃了一些,也喜欢我带回来的鸡胸脯肉。
吃饭之前,我们走了一圈。
吃饭之后,我们三个人又带RIXI走了一圈。
后来,我提议要不要一些snack,我说可以喝一点Kefir,分个cookie。她说好的,我们吃的时候。说了说她走路的话可以听audio book。我帮她借了To kill a mocking bird的有声书,在下载的时候,她看到我在看得那本Brave Girl Eating。她问,这是什么?我说,这是一个妈妈写的怎么帮助她的孩子重新recover的一本书。她告诉我说,她在七年级的时候也看过一本这样的书,wintergirls,就是写的这个内容,当时她很不能理解,为什么就不能让自己吃东西呢。说道这,她哽咽了。
我再次拥抱她,象前一天一样,告诉她,慢慢地会好起来的。她就开始慢慢地跟我说她内心的挣扎。
她说到在学校里,女生不吃饭,或者只吃一点点似乎都是很正常的事情。她以前没有问题的时候,她并没有注意大家的吃饭习惯。但是现在,她看到很多女生都是不吃饭的。她告诉我她把她的情况告诉了Riti,所以Riti只要看到她在玩弄午饭,她就把聪的饭盒拿过来,把米饭和菜搅拌均匀了推给她说,“吃,不要再找非米饭了。”聪在很难的时候,会去找Aleen,咬了一口苹果。Aleen就对她说,“Eat your apple.”看着她吃完。
她说,她不能去厕所,因为只要去了,看到镜子里的自己,那个魔鬼就会出来,对她说,“你怎么没有做60个jumping jack?”
她说,在学校里,太容易了,到处都是trash can,而且大家都不吃东西,所以没有谁觉得不吃东西是奇怪的。尤其是早饭。
她说,她开始感到不对头是在summer school的后半段,她总是觉得自己很冷。出门散步的时候,只有走一分钟不到,Cindy就会把jacket脱了,而她却要在太阳底下晒10分钟以上还没有觉得热过来。她去网上查找,看到她手臂上长出来的毛,是为了保存她的体温。
她说,第一次看到镜子里的她骨瘦如柴,都能看到自己的肋骨一根一根的。她穿裤子,本来要很努力穿上的,居然轻轻松松就套上了,并且还需要用皮带。
她说,在暑假里长跑训练完毕之后,她上楼几乎是爬上去的,有一次真实眼冒金星,要晕过去的。
我心疼地抱着她,嚎哭,问她,为什么不告诉我?她说,她害怕。我告诉她,因为害怕,就更加要告诉我。
她说,她很感谢我就在那里,可以说话。
我告诉她这两个礼拜我做的research,读的书,接下来需要做的事情,就是一起做family-based treatment。这个过程很艰难,很苦,因为会有来自她那一部分的阻力,虽然那一部分是魔鬼附身。
我告诉她,我不fight her,我要fight的是illness。
我们抱头痛哭。
她还告诉我,Kevin也是关心她的,从vegas回去之后,他大惊失色地知道出了什么问题,立刻就坐了protein shake给她,看着她喝完。而且告诉她,只要她想说,她可以找他说。他也向她说了他那两年落魄的日子。
我问,那么这段时间里有没有enjoy food的时候?
她说,有啊。比如劳工节那个周末去纽约吃的bagel,那是很久以来,她好好地吃的一次碳水化合物。还有我们居然就说要不要吃第二轮,我们都说吃。于是又吃了omelete.
还有我上次做的粉蒸排骨。
还有我周日做的牛肉炖胡萝卜。
还有smoked salmon。
还有那次我生气出门之后她吃的炒饭。
还有我周一做的pasta
她如数家珍地举了很多。我很欣慰。
我们终于达成了默契,要对ED宣战。
一个晚上,我睡得很短时间,情绪很强烈,但是睡得很沉。
我无法想象如果现在他们两个还没有和好,我是不是就会疯了。
吃饭之前,我们走了一圈。
吃饭之后,我们三个人又带RIXI走了一圈。
后来,我提议要不要一些snack,我说可以喝一点Kefir,分个cookie。她说好的,我们吃的时候。说了说她走路的话可以听audio book。我帮她借了To kill a mocking bird的有声书,在下载的时候,她看到我在看得那本Brave Girl Eating。她问,这是什么?我说,这是一个妈妈写的怎么帮助她的孩子重新recover的一本书。她告诉我说,她在七年级的时候也看过一本这样的书,wintergirls,就是写的这个内容,当时她很不能理解,为什么就不能让自己吃东西呢。说道这,她哽咽了。
我再次拥抱她,象前一天一样,告诉她,慢慢地会好起来的。她就开始慢慢地跟我说她内心的挣扎。
她说到在学校里,女生不吃饭,或者只吃一点点似乎都是很正常的事情。她以前没有问题的时候,她并没有注意大家的吃饭习惯。但是现在,她看到很多女生都是不吃饭的。她告诉我她把她的情况告诉了Riti,所以Riti只要看到她在玩弄午饭,她就把聪的饭盒拿过来,把米饭和菜搅拌均匀了推给她说,“吃,不要再找非米饭了。”聪在很难的时候,会去找Aleen,咬了一口苹果。Aleen就对她说,“Eat your apple.”看着她吃完。
她说,她不能去厕所,因为只要去了,看到镜子里的自己,那个魔鬼就会出来,对她说,“你怎么没有做60个jumping jack?”
她说,在学校里,太容易了,到处都是trash can,而且大家都不吃东西,所以没有谁觉得不吃东西是奇怪的。尤其是早饭。
她说,她开始感到不对头是在summer school的后半段,她总是觉得自己很冷。出门散步的时候,只有走一分钟不到,Cindy就会把jacket脱了,而她却要在太阳底下晒10分钟以上还没有觉得热过来。她去网上查找,看到她手臂上长出来的毛,是为了保存她的体温。
她说,第一次看到镜子里的她骨瘦如柴,都能看到自己的肋骨一根一根的。她穿裤子,本来要很努力穿上的,居然轻轻松松就套上了,并且还需要用皮带。
她说,在暑假里长跑训练完毕之后,她上楼几乎是爬上去的,有一次真实眼冒金星,要晕过去的。
我心疼地抱着她,嚎哭,问她,为什么不告诉我?她说,她害怕。我告诉她,因为害怕,就更加要告诉我。
她说,她很感谢我就在那里,可以说话。
我告诉她这两个礼拜我做的research,读的书,接下来需要做的事情,就是一起做family-based treatment。这个过程很艰难,很苦,因为会有来自她那一部分的阻力,虽然那一部分是魔鬼附身。
我告诉她,我不fight her,我要fight的是illness。
我们抱头痛哭。
她还告诉我,Kevin也是关心她的,从vegas回去之后,他大惊失色地知道出了什么问题,立刻就坐了protein shake给她,看着她喝完。而且告诉她,只要她想说,她可以找他说。他也向她说了他那两年落魄的日子。
我问,那么这段时间里有没有enjoy food的时候?
她说,有啊。比如劳工节那个周末去纽约吃的bagel,那是很久以来,她好好地吃的一次碳水化合物。还有我们居然就说要不要吃第二轮,我们都说吃。于是又吃了omelete.
还有我上次做的粉蒸排骨。
还有我周日做的牛肉炖胡萝卜。
还有smoked salmon。
还有那次我生气出门之后她吃的炒饭。
还有我周一做的pasta
她如数家珍地举了很多。我很欣慰。
我们终于达成了默契,要对ED宣战。
一个晚上,我睡得很短时间,情绪很强烈,但是睡得很沉。
我无法想象如果现在他们两个还没有和好,我是不是就会疯了。
订阅:
博文 (Atom)
2026年七月精神瑜伽
日記本在6/30在7/1之間特地有一頁空餘,似乎提醒書寫著回顧一下上半年,暢想一下下半年。 本月一開頭就是連續幾天的高溫,那幾天不能外出,在家就使勁地在厨房做麵食,變相地讓自己進行一下體力勞動。第一周的周末大家冒着酷暑出門去看airshow,烟火,縂想在全國都熱烈慶祝美國250周...
-
I am a toad, Yes, indeed a grumpy, warty toad. I love to eat flies, I also like to wear bow ties. I live in a ditch in a road. You...
-
这是聪聪最近痴迷的一套书,由南京师范大学出版社出版。 每本书从书的内容、插图、文字上来说都非常有特色,有儿歌,有童话,有WILD IMAGINATION,有水彩画,有铅笔画。最爱的两本是《兔子先生去散步》和《胡萝卜火箭》。都是属于WILD IMAGINATION的,可能跟她最...