冲突 (2017/08/18)

聪已经回来快要两周了。

刚回来的时候，她一直处于p-CTY-D的状态当中，迫不及待地要还是要用各种方式与他们/她们保持联系，问能不能装skype，我表达了不同意，结果装上了又给卸掉了。我看她手机使用的纪录，一天居然高达4个多小时。震惊之后。我说，介于你这样不能自已的表现，只能由外界来给你限制了，规定一天不能超过一个小时，如果超过，那么第二天手机不能用。

我们因为这个有了很大的冲突。以至于回来后的第一周打网球的接送路上，我大发雷霆的机会不少。打一周的网球，每天是半天，我中午去接她。好在老板一周在伦敦，所以中午出门心理压力不会太大。

第一天下午，接到她，本来想给她去换摔碎的屏幕，就拿走了她的手机。结果比尔说拿去纽约要便宜一些。于是决定第二天让他带进城。
周二她手机不在身边，我下午打电话给她，一直找不到她，一个多小时后我都快要炸了。她说她去walk Rixi了，但是这么热的天，在外面那么长时间。后来她承认她碰到了那个在半夜两点给她打电话的同学，聊了一会。

我写给她的email：WHERE ARE YOU??????

她回的是，I am alive.

这样一来，两天没有怎么用手机，上的瘾似乎小了一点。

我催她写story，催她做完暑假作业。我整个口气都是很不耐烦的，很批判性的，回想上一周的自己，真的非常痛恨晚了将近两周的例假，因为让我在那些日子里天天都是在PSM。

在网上找了一些teenage social media的文章，都是负面的影响比较大。更加加重了我的担忧。那个妈妈来了更为狠的，她在上班的时候，直接把所有的网络都是关闭的，在她女儿又想办法接上网络之后，她就把她的计算机和手机都没收了，直到她下班的时候，才还给她。JW说我太过焦虑了，还是应该放轻松，应该相信自己的孩子。放轻松，这似乎是我一辈子试图在做的事情。

我试图从聪的角度去理解social media在她生活中的角色，给她写了一封email，结果她给我回了一篇更长的。

"I think your main point in this email is that being exposed to social media and a social life are somehow detrimental to my character. I will now provide an abundance of reasons why your case is not as valid as you would probably like.


When you were teased/laughed at not knowing instagram, we let you experimenting it - to know what it is, how it works. Yet the experimenting turned into dependence. To me, I feel you have lost focus and became consumed by it, and newly-joiner Snapchat, Houseparty and etc.

I did not develop a dependence towards social media, nor was I consumed by it. I simply made it into another part of my life that allowed me to connect with friends when we weren't within close physical proximity. Instagram is a great platform to share your thoughts and experiences to whichever degree you choose, as well as being able to stay up to date on others' thoughts and experiences. Snapchat is the same, and allows better communication through words whereas Instagram is mainly focused around photos. Houseparty is a multiple face timing app that allows one to talk to someone when they aren't physically there and is great for when you're doing work with someone. I would like to reiterate that I am not dependent on social media, that it is a very useful tool for staying in touch and contacting people

I understand that you are desperate to stay connected because you think everybody else is doing the same. You are afraid to be left out, that you are you missing something. So you feel the urge to stay "on" ALL THE TIME.

I do not stay on "all the time," nor am I desperate. I am only trying to take care of my social life by staying somewhat up to date with people that I care about. Although I do admit that I am wary of falling behind with friend groups, you have greatly exaggerated this. It is natural to not want to fall behind on the lives of people you care about, and especially in the beginning, when the friendship has first been formed and forced to separate, there are lots of emotions and conversations that are important to the dynamic of the friendships and group.

To date, I truly regret introducing the phone to you at an early age and I really feel that I lost part of you to the world when I gave you a smart phone, which has turned my lovely girl who used to love reading, drawing and crafting into a selfie-taking "guru".

You did not lose a part of me, I cultivated another aspect of myself that maintained my social life on the internet. I still enjoy reading and drawing and crafting, it's just that I spend less time these days doing those things and spend more online contacting my friends. Also, what's wrong with selfie taking and being a "guru?" A guru is actually defined as "a spiritual teacher, especially one who imparts initiation, an influential teacher or popular expert." Where is the negative connotation in this? If you implying something please be more explicit because I don't want to misinterpret what you're trying to say here and start another minor dispute.

When you excitedly announced that you have how many followers on Instagram, check the cell phone the first thing in the morning to see how many you get, how many Snapchat streaks you get, how many people tell you that you're gorgeous, have you realized that you are not the master of your life anymore.

I still am the master of my life. My happiness is not determined by the opinions of others, only somewhat enhanced whenever i get a compliment or reach a goal of any sort, which is normal, only this is in a different context. Again, you are exaggerating.

I still have to let you know that social networking among youth is loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and being disconnected from reality. The digital footprint, by its permanence, can have serious repercussions in future, in both professional and personal areas of life. Cyberbullying won't happen if you don't spend enough time on internet.

I never share anything I don't intend to, so privacy is not an issue. I can block people if needed and my Instagram account is private, so I control who sees what I post. If your definition of "too much information" is my face, some photography, and some of my thoughts, all of which are only seen by people who I choose. Nothing I post is explicit in any way; if your definition of inappropriate is a picture of me with some of my back exposed and an off-the-shoulder dress, then I gently suggest you rethink your standards because this is in no way inappropriate and doesn't imply anything negative about my character. I never post anything that actually gives out any important personal information or a strong negative vibe about my character.

I've tried talking to you. I've tried reasoning with you, letting you know the overuse could threaten your future if you let it worsen. I've given you the space to police yourself, yet I am really disappointed. To myself as well. 

There has been no explicit example where the "overuse" of social media and contact with friends has been detrimental to me. Recently, I have been using my phone more than usual because I am trying to keep myself up to date in the group at one of our most crucial times, right after we separate. If I miss out on too much now, I will never be able to truly rejoin and stay friends with these people as they're all going through pctyd and opening up about their lives outside of CTY. In addition, during camp, there were several people who I never really got to talk with who I now have the opportunity to befriend and learn from.

I would like to give you this last chance to manage yourself. Deleting social media account is the inevitable step if you remain the same.  The friendship between Nuonuo's mom and me is not strengthened by wechat. We haven't been able to get in touch for more than a decade, yet we still feel close once we get in touch. Plus you cannot have so many friends in your life. You are already lucky if you have one or two close ones who you can really have a good conversation.

Your analogy is not valid here. For starters, you and nuonuo's mom met when you guys were older than I am currently, which means that your definitions of friendship are very different. Secondly, she is one person while I am currently trying to stay in contact with a large group of people where there is a lot going on. Thirdly, since you were college roommates, you were around each other for an entire time frame of nine months at a time, which gives you a lot more time to bond compared to what we had (three weeks). In addition, I feel that you are trying to make having a social life seem like such a bad, damaging thing, when, in fact, it is the complete opposite. Talking to and interacting with people who I genuinely feel a connection with and am willing to care for and spend time with is a completely beneficial experience/aspect of one's life, and you should be glad that I have had such an experience and chance and the luck to have found such people.

I understand that I can't be very close to so many people, but having people I can easily talk to casually with jokes and relatable moments is still good for me and not a waste of time- such friends and I can express ourselves and be listened to and give a positive vibe mutually. Good, true friends who I can have "a good conversation" with need to first go through this casual stage anyway, and this is a stage that everyone can enjoy without needing to be particularly close to each other; you get to know someone through casual conversation over time, which is what we're all trying to do since we were given very little time in person to bond on such a deep level. I understand that I'm lucky if I do have these friends that I can "have a good conversation with," and I'm grateful, but what's wrong with having more than one or two? I am not naive, I do not trust blindly, but once someone does win my trust good conversations will be abundant in the coming; that's how friendship works. I do agree that there is a line that shouldn't be crossed, but my academics are still my priority and mostly likely always will be, only possibly second to health.

I believe this issue has reached an unrealistic peak in your mind due to recent events, mainly my departure from CTY. Recently and currently, I've been spending more time on social media because I have met a new group of people who I want to keep in touch with because I was able to feel a connection with them within the short three weeks that we knew each other in person. I assure you that once school starts, everyone will be much more busy and that the active, constant contact will be alleviated, if not even sooner. I do apologize for using social media excessively recently and in past incidents, but I still stand by the points I made before. "
一不小心，就跟ABC多嘴了几句，而刚为人母的她说，应该关闭所有social media的网站，这样就省心了。真的就省心了吗？这样的举动会不会太过激，反而引起她的反叛。她不会因为没有网络而去找网络，而心和心的距离就更加遥远了。

我对她说，我觉得我和你不如以前那么close了。她说，她没有觉得。可能是我多想了。

昨天晚上，同她去kohl’s，随便逛了逛，我们亲密无间的感觉又回来了。本来想去看看那个在停车场的FAIR，但是巴塞罗那的恐怖事件在几个小时之前刚刚发生，我们转念一想，算了，人多的地方还是尽量少凑热闹吧。

在车上，她开着她喜欢的流行音乐。