2017 Communiversity ArtsFest (2017/05/01)

去年我们没有去，狗狗刚刚生病，还在复原阶段。我在教会有饭食服务。时间怎么也分不开。聪表示了理解。
等今年的。没有吃午饭，准备去那里吃。
周六聪病了。早晨有点发烧，没有去上网球课。我让她上楼睡觉去了。中午我给她做了番茄打卤面，怕我们的炸酱面的浇头对她来说有点太重了。晚上我做了红烧肉，懒得没有做饼，而是用了现成的饼，做了汤，骨头汤里放了山药和菠菜。本来天气那么热，问他们想不想吃绿豆汤，都说要骨头汤里的山药。天气真的好热，出门小小地走一圈，浑身冒汗，气压低，很不舒服。

周日天气阴阴的。比起周六，舒服多了。但是节日期间，大家都向往阳光。
我们在Princeton North Shopping Center停车，准备做shuttle去那里，否则是怎么也找不到停车的地方的。说是12：30就有车的，我们到的时候12:35，已经有些人在等车了。聪说，We are late, but we are early。差不等到12：45的时候，才来的车，结果一路堵。我们都认为这是一个bad idea，决定回家的时候不坐车了，走回停车场。
到了以后，先找吃的。
看到PIZZA，但是要买就要一定买一个pie，所以放弃。一路走一路看，买了西班牙海鲜饭。
为animal shelter捐了款。
我们买了Peacock Inn买了他们的名菜，一点也不好吃，还这么贵。
最后心满意足地吃到了crepe，要了两个甜的。

每年都有这个节目。是为白血病人的捐款。在普林斯顿的校园里。

走回停车场的时候。天阴阴的。跟聪谈着刚才看到的狗狗，最可怜的就是那个穿着"Adopt Me"的狗狗，从animal shelter来的狗狗。我和聪都希望今天有人能领养了她。四岁的乖狗狗。








Trash art

回来带Rixi去了公园。和Ernie玩了一阵，她还是爱玩接球。

To Own a Dog（转载）(2017/05/01)

https://denisefenzi.com/2016/05/02/to-own-a-dog/

Think about this for a minute. What it is to have a dog, another species, for a friend.  A companion who will be there with you, day after day, asking little more than something to eat and a safe place to live.

I can take my dog’s leash off and know that she’ll return to me. She will chase critters, smell good smells, snack on fresh grass or play ball, but always with an eye on me.  When she is done with her most current adventure, we’ll go home together.

I can ask her to come to me and remain by my side, and she will choose to respond because it’s our habit to cooperate with each other, even though she has freedom to choose otherwise.  Yes, I trained these things but she does not follow my requests out of obedience.  She follows because it works for both of us, to live in harmony together.

My friendship with this dog affects other people as well. Walkers, cyclists, and equestrians all smile as we pass by. My dog’s joyful leaping and running infects other people with her happiness; a reminder of the pleasure of being curious and free.  I am gratified to realize the power I have to make another living creature so joyful as she bounces and runs on our way out.  Alone, it’s just a walk, but with my dog it’s our shared exploration.

And then I see people smile when we return.  Now my dog walks quietly at my side, keeping me company. Everyone is happy to see our companionship. Things feel right in the world when a person is out with their dog, together with friendship.

There is no comparison between a person walking alone and a person walking with a dog. I have all of the benefits of solitude; time to think and breathe, but none of the disadvantages of being alone. I am not alone.

Not all dogs are so beautifully balanced, but a lot of dogs are, or have the potential to be. How amazing this is, a species that is not considered rare or valuable – just a dog that we take for granted, willingly staying in our homes and by our side. Dogs are widely available; many people can have one, which means that you can go out and adopt or buy a friend. Think about that. You can adopt or buy a friend. Doesn’t even matter if you’re a nice person – you can still have a friend.

I put in some time to get to friendship, but that wasn’t work.  As with all relationships, part of the pleasure was finding ways to have both of our needs met.  I enjoyed her youthful silliness as well as the training time that gently helped mold her maturity.  And now, as my dog approaches her twelfth birthday, I marvel at the connection we’ve built with little more than the natural capacity of our species to fall in love with each other.

I can pet her soft fur, share a snack, or we can walk. I can work on my computer and she’ll be found asleep under my desk.  And when I go to bed for the night, I know she’ll sleep nearby.  She is always there, waiting for me, for the price of her name.

In exchange for a few meals, the occasional walk, and a hand on her head when she asks for attention, I have a friend.  Day after day, that’s all it takes for my dog, a different species, to choose me.  An animal living contentedly in my home and giving back to me in ways to numerous to count.  A bit of a miracle, really.

If everyone had a dog for a friend – not because they thought they should get a dog, or to do dog sports, or to guard the house, or because families have dogs – if people got a dog for a friend, and then learned to treat that dog as a friend, the world would be a very different place.  A kinder, warmer and better place.

司机 (2017/05/04)

周二送孩子们去乐团排练。

三个男生都是数学快班的，白天的时候见面并不多。他们三个在讨论数学的时候，聪插不上话。后来提到他们四个都有的话题，上周的seating audition。他们都说还不知道结果是什么，其中一个男生说，”Well, my mom hasn’t yelled at me yet, so I knew the result is not out.”

听了这话，我忍不住笑。

真的都孩子。男生 长不大的样子，但是又想装着自己很酷，假装说出一些会引起争议的话题。

最喜欢他们一起唱歌了。虽然有不合适的字句在歌词里，这也是防不胜防的。

加州的高粱推荐了下面几个录像连接，真的很现实。

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wve9zOGH6Q8&index=6&list=PLM_IsuL-RJXIqLVlilDOheSFqrLE0UHcA


参加德国乐团出演的家长会开得时间比我想象中的要长。本来想跟妈妈打一通微信的可视电话。会议结束后，替她买了有着她设计的trip  logo的夹克，两个行李牌，最后问了一些问题，已经很累很累了。觉得这次回家又要把袜子剪开的节奏。

要做下面的事情：

-          换欧元。要亲自去银行；request一次，欧元来了，再去一次。

-          买电源转换器；（Amazon上买了）

-          去T-mobile问international travel plan

-          准备冗长的排练计划。



事情好多，要一件一件去解决。

A NOTE TO MY TEENS: IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T TRUST YOU…（转载）(2017/05/04)

Look, I know you’re doing what comes naturally to you – spending hours SnapChatting your friends every night, cracking up over group texts and Face-Timing classmates to do homework. I know it feels imperative to you to have your bedroom door shut, to protect your privacy, and to be allowed to spend most of your free time at the mall or the movies or at a friend’s house.
And it’s not that I don’t trust you, to be honest. It’s that I don’t have any context for anything anymore because, in guarding your privacy and your newfound freedoms, you have shut the window and pulled the blinds. Now that you’re in high school, your teachers won’t tell me things unless it’s almost too late. Your peer group is brand new and I don’t know most of their parents, much less the kids, and my world is filled with stories of teens drinking and experimenting with drugs and sex and texting while driving. I know that’s not you. I think. I know.
When we’re in the car on the way to soccer or dance, you’re on your phone.
Sometimes, when we watch TV together, your phone buzzes every two seconds and I understand how hard it is to resist.
If I wait for a time when you aren’t looking at your phone to ask you a question, I’d never speak.
So here’s what I need to ground me again.
Eye contact.
Every single day.
I need you to walk into the kitchen in the morning and look at me and greet me in whatever way feels okay to you. (I know one of you is decidedly not a morning person, so an eyebrow raise and acknowledgment of my greeting is perfectly acceptable.) I need to know I’m more important than the furniture.
I need you to put down your phone when you get in the car in the afternoon and give me five minutes. Tell me something funny that happened at school. Tell me something outrageous that happened at school. Rant about a particularly challenging assignment with a quick turnaround. Give me a window into your world. And then ask about mine and pay attention to the answer. Or, if you’re completely peopled-out, ask if we can talk a little bit later – over dinner or afterward.
When most of the interactions we have are characterized by you half-paying attention while simultaneously watching Netflix on your computer or SnapChatting friends, it makes me feel like I am not important. And, it makes me feel as though there is something incredibly important and compelling on your phone, but if you won’t tell me about your life, I feel like I need to get that information elsewhere, and that’s when that little mom-voice in my head tells me to stalk you.


The balance of power in our relationship is shifting, as it should. As a teenager, you deserve more responsibility and more power, but I am also still your mom, which means that I care deeply for you and am truly interested in your life. I want to feel like I know what is important to you, what challenges you, and what makes you happy. I don’t need to know every little detail, but you are one of the most important people in my life and suddenly feeling as though I don’t know you very well is disconcerting. And, in order to support you in the best way and help you learn to handle power and responsibility, I need to have some insight in to how you spend your days and nights.
I also need to feel like I’m more than a chauffeur, maid, chef, and landlord (minus the rent payments) to you. I understand that you are widening and deepening your connections with other people, but our relationship has to evolve, too. When you were little, our roles were pretty obvious – I was in charge and it was your job to listen to me and follow the rules while I supported you. As you got older and showed that you were more capable, it was okay for you to question some things and even challenge my ideas at times and it was my job to give you space to explore and express yourself while supporting you a little less.
Now that you’re in high school, it might seem as though you don’t need my support or input at all, but the truth is, it’s just a different kind of support. While you may not need me for logistical things as much – I appreciate your ability to do your own laundry and make yourself a snack and even take the bus to the movies sometimes – I will never stop feeling responsible for you to some degree and I remain one of the only people in your life who loves you and will support you no matter what happens.
A little input will go a long way toward helping me feel included in your life. I don’t need to read your text messages any more than my parents needed to listen in on my phone conversations with friends when I was in high school. But if I feel like you’re hiding something from me, the stories start to spin in my head. You may be hiding parts of your life simply because you want some privacy and that’s okay, but spending just a little bit of time with me every day will help me to remember that you’re still that kid I know and love and it will probably buy you a little more freedom. 

调皮，继续调皮 (2017/05/06)

周一表现很好；
周二早晨跟她扔了球，结果还是发疯。中午着急跑回家。我没有把一楼的衣柜关好，结果她就钻了一个孔子。把一个中国结偷了出来，咬得粉碎。

回家当然带她去公园发散精力。 真爱真爱玩扔球。

 

能睡成这个仙女样子。周五又捣乱。倾盆大雨，我中午没有回去。我太累了。觉得精力都耗尽了。

8年级春季音乐会 (2017/05/06)

先是Upper Middle School的Pop orchestra的表演： 三首曲子：
The Four Seasons: Autumn ..... Vivaldi/Latham
Viva La Vida ......... Berryman, Buckland, Champion & Martin/Moore
Fire ......  Courtney/Yavorsky
8年级春季音乐会 - mayzhangmeimei - 幸福的种子
 好认真啊：

先是七年级的孩子，三首曲子；
接下来是八年级的孩子，三首曲子：
February: Carnival....... Tchaikovsky/Brook
Intermezzo from "Carmen"...... Bizet/Caponegro
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Main Theme, Rey's Theme,
March of the Resistance, Jedi STeps & Finale   ..... Williams/Kazik

接下来是full orchestra:
The Barber of Serville
Sinfonia(overture)..... Rossini/McAlister
这是full orchestra的谢幕，台下7年级的孩子拼命地喊着“Sean”的名字。那是一个七年级的大提琴手，第一把，演奏得非常棒，CJMEA的第一把椅子，加入NJMEA。男孩子看上去稚气未脱。

我们要一起对付ED

经过了很多次躲躲闪闪地提到她吃饭的问题之后，终于在周日的晚上看到体重秤上的100.8，把我们两个人都吓到了。她不敢去乘体重，就是害怕。我没有坚持让她去秤，是因为尊重她所谓的“慢慢来”。

可是事实证明，已经到了我们不得不插手的时候了。从小，我们两个就给了她很多作决定的自由。6月底年检的时候，她的体重111磅，比去年夏天117磅要低了6磅，我没有太在意，想着她这一年的确很注意吃得健康，而且期末考试也是把她折磨得不轻。

暑假上学的时候，还能保证带点心去，虽然一会儿要水果，一会儿要坚果，今天同意带面包，明天怎么都不原意带了。直到后来她坚持不肯吃碳水化合物，以至于去NB吃捞面的时候，她居然把馒头掰下来，藏在自己的衣服口袋里，而且经常说冷，我就觉得苗头不对。上网看了看厌食症的症状，很多都与她的症状符合。我当时的想法是，不要随意地贴标签，暗示疗法也是很重要的。暑假上学的倒数第二天，她同Ethan分手，我让她去秤了体重，直线下降到107磅。我当时是威逼利诱地说，如果从拉斯维加斯回来，体重还是没有恢复的话，就不能去参加田径队。

可是，我自己说的话没有做到。拉斯维加斯回来之后，我所有的心思都扑到了她不舒服的膝盖上，带她去看了医生，买了好的跑鞋。却就是没有想到让她秤一次体重。她自己还在犹豫要不要去参加田径队的时候，来问我，要不要去。我当时没有考虑她的体重问题，就说，如果你想做一件事情，不能总是犹豫要不要去做，否则，总也是不能做成功的。我也是希望，有一项体育运动能让她胃口好一些。

我错了。
她从拉斯维加回来体重直线下降，吃得还是很勉强，但是运到消耗量大大提高，于是在9月的第二天，在我强行让她去秤体重的时候，才看到骇人的100磅。

我真想哭。放生大哭，为我自己的失职，为她瘦弱的身体。拥抱她的时候，真的是只有皮包骨头了。我没有忍住自己的沮丧，对她说，“你这是拿刀子在戳我的心啊。”我告诉她，如果我和爸爸真是没有办法了，只能求助专业人士了，不知道这是不是她想要的。她说，她不想要。

我对她下了最后通牒 - 我会天天让她秤体重，只要有一天体重下降，那么立刻退出田径队。

周一晚上再去秤，可能是衣服的问题，只有100.4，她是真的慌了神。因为她觉得自己吃得挺多的。我对她说，我真的很想很想信任你，可是，最后还是要看体重啊。我对她说，“ED现在控制着你，你要想尽办法和它分开，打破它给你设的障碍和规则。你曾经说过，觉得如果限制自己进食就是对生活有控制，但是这种完全是假性的，因为事实上是你在被它控制。”我也告诉她，If you cannot do something for yourself, at least do something for others, for me, and for your dad.

我也不原意她离开田径队，因为她说那是另一个小团体，她可以谈谈有关学习之外的事情。

我找了Aleen的妈妈通了电话，事实上Aleen并没有ED，或者只是有这样的想法，但是没有像聪这么厉害，要么就是Aleen的同情心爆发，要么就是Aleen完全隐瞒了自己的妈妈，度过了漫长的两年。我几乎没有办法想象，如果是事实，她自己是怎么撑过来的。Aleen妈妈坚持让我找心理医生，觉得孩子不可能都对我们说。可是，她就一定会对一个陌生人说吗？

周日和周一上午，她都是跟比尔去散步的。

周二上午，她和比尔同时跟我实况转播。因为我禁止她去参加下午的长跑训练，我觉得高温会杀人，她现在的身体也不是那么强壮的。她自己早晨出门跑步，6英里。回来之后，的确是饱餐了一顿。中午除了她自己给我拍她午餐的照片，比尔给她拍照片的时候，她也没有反对。她在向ED挑战。

下班回家后，我告诉她想带她去儿科医生那里去。她立刻很警觉，说，为什么？我说，因为你有一项血的指标不好。而且对你体重这么下降，我也很担心。她说，体重下降的原因我们现在应该是知道了，也已经讲开了，我努力就是了。能不能取消见医生。我看她又快要哭了，立刻痛快地答应，好，我可以取消见医生，但是我们要看你的行动和结果。我当着她的面，打电话给医生，取消了第二天的约见。她说谢谢。这个时候，要百分百地展示对她的信任才好。

晚餐，我本来想把那本书听完的，但是，她想到厨房来帮忙，我就让她来了，让她削了苦瓜，去籽，切片。给她煮了我们在whole food买的pasta，其实真是只有一点点，但是她说已经很多了。我就想，慢慢来。我炖了红烧肉，用了其中一点炖了菜- orka, 绿甘蓝，豆腐。冬瓜虾仁，她炒了一个苦瓜蘑菇，还有一点紫薯。

吃饭的时候，她不再故意打嗝了。我们还喝了一点汽水。

秤体重的时候，数字还是一点没有变。比尔也说是秤的敏感度问题，

看电视的时候，她还吃了点心。晚上睡觉之前，她问我，are you proud of me?我说，当然，你也应该自己为自己骄傲。她说，好奇怪，开始吃东西了，她自己的一部分在说，你怎么能吃东西呢？另一个自己在说，我需要能量，我要吃。她说，脑袋里有两个声音，很可怕。我说，不怕，只要自己有了意识，就是理性的，可以让他们两个对话。我们刚才看的插话家在创作的时候，也是有两个人在吵架的。

周三上午，她还是自己跑了6英里，我还是不建议她下午去训练。

回来之后，给我看她的早饭。是蛮厉害的。

早上，我上班之前，比尔对我说，我这次为了聪康复，我也是豁出去了。我心里真是心存感激，如果他们两个的关系还是没有恢复，现在我估计真的就是去自杀了。

对她这张照片，我说Yum.

左边是我的午饭，我拍给她看，让她觉得我和她一起在努力。右边是她的午饭。

借了三本书来看，已经看完一本，还是很有感触的。我更想了解的是作为一个家庭成员，我怎么才能帮助她。